This Week In Water Bottle Sex

02.25.11 7 years ago 11 Comments

You’d be right to presume that sports drinks have so many more calories than water or juice, but at least the bottles are sealed whenever you get them. One California woman might be making the switch after an episode at work has left a bitter taste in her mouth.

The woman, who worked for a financial company in Newport Beach, had one of those “I look like I go hiking but I obviously hate the outdoors” kind of water bottles that she kept on her desk, and was fine…until Michael Lallana of Fullerton, 32, decided to…uh…oh, just go to the blockquote:

Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into an “attractive” co-worker’s water bottle because “her lips had touched it,” but told detectives he never thought she would drink it.

“It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,” Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives in explaining why he ejaculated into the woman’s water bottle twice last year.

More marriages in California would work themselves out if husbands spent more time flogging the dolphin into their co-workers’ water bottles. And it’s not like she’s all that hot. Keep in mind that this is California, and California Hot is worlds away from, say, Des Moines Hot.

But if you haven’t already thrown up in your own mouth, there’s more.

When the detectives quizzed him on why he didn’t just throw the water bottle away when he was done, Lallana said he figured she would dump the water and was afraid of leaving anything out of place on her desk.

“Can I honestly say I wanted her to drink it? No,” Lallana said in the taped interview. “Why I left it there, I don’t know.”

You should see what he did to her lunch. The victim here, indentified by CBS Los Angeles only as “Tiffany G”, did not fare much better when questioned.

“I had a hunch that’s what it was, but I wouldn’t dream in a million years that’s what it was,” she said.

So you knew what it was? And then you didn’t know what it was? To be fair, this had been going on for a few months, even when Lallana and Tiffany were both transferred to another office at their firm. When Tiffany couldn’t determine what the odd taste was in her water, she pulled off some detective work that would’ve had every “CSI” fan jumping with joy.

Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her [fiance to] put his [stuff] in a water bottle to see if that’s what she had tasted at work.

“At the time, I had no idea how else to figure out what this was,” she testified.

Think about that. The fiance of a woman who, we’ve already established, is not California hot, being asked to beat his meat INTO A WATER BOTTLE because she has no idea what vanilla manjuice tastes like. I feel worse for that guy than I do for Tiffany. Who doesn’t get head during their engagement? Honestly.

And how did that conversation go? “Will you just get yourself off in this water bottle so I can see if you taste like this other guy I work with?” In the bottle? Why not just make a direct deposit and eliminate the middleman? I thought that was all people did in California, anyway.

He would have asked for a beej, right? Do you think she said no? Was she “saving herself” before marriage? I mean, if she already swallowed another dude’s load, what’s the big deal? Is the water bottle a sacred vestibule of chastity? Is that in first Corinthians?

Anyhoo, long story short: she went to the police, then to HR, then to a lab to test the water, and then back to the police. Lallana, who has to be the dumbest guy on earth, offered up a DNA sample, and you won’t believe this, but it was a match with his earlier, waterlogged platoon of swimmers.

Lallana was found guilty of assault and battery earlier this week. Hopefully this will give Tiffany the piece of mind to finally give her fiance some oral. I wish I had a tidier ending then that. By the way, Cal State-Fullerton has a terrific baseball team.

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