TMZ’s Phil Mickelson Story Is Amazing

The story: A guy on a message board somewhere posted a thing about how golf pro Phil Mickelson and his wife were cheating on each other a la “Escape (The Piña Colada Song)” and mentioned that Lefty had fathered an illegitimate child. It’s probably not true, because nothing on the Internet is true, and if it is, who cares?

Well, apparently Phil Mickelson is new to the Internet, because the Cyber Police have been contacted and he’s gonna find you online and fight you in real life:

As funny as “Phil Mickelson didn’t f**k a lady” is as “breaking news”, that’s not the best part. Neither are his outstanding reaction of “well I NEVER!” or his monocle coming loose and falling into his wine glass.

No, the very best part is TMZ’s write up of the non-events, which starts with “sinking his putts” as a euphemism for cheating on his wife and runs headlong into what could be the greatest and most melodramatic use of boldface in Internet history:

Oh no, not an Internet Service Provider! I hope he doesn’t use a telecommunications device that transmits and receives sounds to call his lawyer!

Let me see if I can get in on this. Phil Mickelson once f**ked a dog. That is a true thing he has done. Come at me, bro.