It was 38 days ago that Tom Brady had his jersey stolen following the New England Patriots win over the Atlanta Falcons in Super Bowl LI. It was probably 37 days ago that you stopped caring about a 39-year-old man’s sports uniform being stolen. That is, unless you work for the NFL and FBI, who have been working tirelessly to recover this piece of pointless fabric.
Great news for everyone whose taxes helped paid for this investigation — the jersey has been recovered!
Here is the statement from the NFL.
Jay Glazer, who still uses twitlonger, said the reason the FBI was required was because the jersey made it overseas.
Remember the scene at the end of The Thomas Crown Affair when they realize Pierce Brosnan stole another painting after returning the one he originally stole? And Denis Leary is all, “Who cares?” How is that not the FBI’s immediate response to this? It’s a football jersey. And not only did this include FBI resources, it included “other law enforcement authorities,” which means that scene from every movie involving local and federal authorities played out.
Local cop: My snitch that works downtown said he spotted someone looking to move a jersey. Let’s go—
[10 FBI guys storm into the meeting room with the two cops that have been running this thing for a month]
FBI guy: [showing his badge] Special Agent Hanson Elgort, FBI. We’ll take it from here.
Local cop: [flicks cigarette] Nobody comes in to my town and tells me how to work a case.
FBI guy: Well I just did.
Then the cop and FBI guy learn they have more in common than they realized and take down… seriously, this was all over a stolen sports jersey.
Let Annie Apple put into perspective how ridiculous this is.
I had a wallet stolen my freshman year at Rutgers and campus police gave up on that immediately. But thankfully, the international jersey smuggling ring has been broken up. We can all sleep easy at night no one is coming for our co-ed, post-work softball jerseys because the feds are looking out for us.