‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: After The Season Finale It’s The After Party

After a season that has made me feel like I’ve aged 12 years for each episode, we have finally reached the season finale of Total Divas, or more specifically the second part of the season finale, because that first part totally proved that we needed to break it up. After all, what’s more dramatic and intense than Eva Marie being worried about her WrestleMania debut? That story definitely needed to be teased into two different commercial cliffhangers last week, the same way that Nikki Bella’s first marriage needed to be broken up into several moments of her chickening out. You know, even though E! already spoiled the whole f*cking thing by revealing that it’s her brother who tells John Cena about her first marriage.

Before we dive into this Season 2 finale of Total Divas, the show that I voluntarily shackled myself to for your enjoyment, I just want to offer some hope. I honestly hope that between now and the start of the third season that the producers and writers of this show get their sh*t together and learn how to tell a story. Not for my sake, mind you, because I love railing against bad storytelling, but for the sake of people who actually like watching this show. Otherwise, they’ll all walk away from this thinking that life has its problems, but they’re all solved by distracting people with other problems. That’s how politicians are born.

Total Divas Pre-Episode Power Rankings

1. Naomi – I’m still pretty pissed that Vickie Guerrero tricked my girl into thinking that she was getting a solo shot at AJ Lee.
2. Brie Bella – As annoying as she was being last week, she’s had her wedding to deal with, and she’ll never seem even remotely as bad as her sister.
3. Nattie – I guess.
4. Summer Rae – I’ve become so pissed off about the fact that they’ve written Summer Rae as a vindictive slut that it’s pissing me off more that she’s allowing it.
5. Cameron – I’m still pissed that she’s the reason Ray J was on an episode of this show.
6. Nikki Bella – Just when I think that things couldn’t possibly be worse than her ridiculous Season 1 cliffhanger, here we are.
7. Eva Marie – Still the worst, thanks to the fact that all of the Divas suddenly love her and hate Summer Rae, because she’s the only one who’s even remotely concerned that Eva Marie is a HUGE liability in the ring.

In order to wrap everything up as succinctly as I can, I’m just going to go story by story so I’m not hopping back and forth to each episode point. I suppose I could have done this all along, but I didn’t so wave a fart at your nose.

As for the Whole WrestleMania Aspect of this One

I keep forgetting that the Divas were all cut from last year’s WrestleMania, because I was going to complain that they keep acting like this is the biggest thing ever, even though, yeah, I get why even their second WM would be huge, too. Now I get it, though, which was why I felt a little bad when I laughed at Mark telling the Bella Twins that the Diva Invitational was being bumped from the 3rd spot to the 7th spot, which as they point out, is the most likely spot to get cut or shortened. I was shocked, I tells ya, shocked!

(Side note: Is there anything as exciting in professional sports/entertainment as the crowd’s “YES!” chant for Daniel Bryan? It’s so loud and awesome. Let’s continue, please.)

The best part about the fact that the Divas got to wrestle was that it came right after the Undertaker loss, so the crowd was not happy at all. Wait, I mean it’s the worst part, because I certainly don’t want these women to be booed in the ring the way they’ve portrayed themselves outside of it. Nope, wouldn’t want that at all. Anyway, as we all know, my girlfriend AJ Lee went on to win, but I give a lot of credit to the Total Divas editors for making it look like Eva Marie performed well just because she shoved Tamina Snuka to the mat. Yeah, that moved her to the next level.

The Worst Segway in the History of Television

Just as the Divas were backstage celebrating their great performances, Nattie shouted with joy, “Now that it’s all over, you guys, guess what we have to focus on – Brie’s wedding!!!” and the other Divas, I’m not kidding, shouted in unison, “OH MY GOD!!!” So yeah, Brie went on to get married to Daniel Bryan, after a series of scenic shots of the landscape. It was really beautiful or something. The wedding didn’t matter, though, because Nikki ruined it with her lies that we’ll get to shortly.

Cameron Finally Opens Up to Vinnie

The opening of this episode made me want to throw my TV into the ocean and never pay attention to the world outside my home again. You know how I’ve said several times now that there was no f*cking reason for this to be a two-parter? The opening of this second part confirmed that. What point does it serve anyone to see Cameron welcome Vinnie to her hotel room with a series of obnoxious noises? Her voice to me is like someone kicking my ears in the balls, if my ears had balls. Also, she said, “Bomb dot com” twice and I hate everything about these two people now.

So the finale storyline for Cameron and Vinnie is that he has told her many times that he loves her, while she has never actually verbally reciprocated, leaving Vinnie with quite the matzo ball. (That’s right folks, this is the only Total Divas recap that incorporates Seinfeld jokes.) “He knows how much I care about him, though,” she screeched as Naomi grilled her on it, adding, “Even though I may feel it, it’s hard for me to say it.” What kind of horsesh*t 90s romcom assholerly is that?

Look, the whole thing was so uncomfortable and lame that I’ll just skip it all and reveal that she finally said those special three words to him. Meanwhile, I predict that they’ll spend most of Season 3 fighting, breaking up, getting back together again, and then getting married, because that’s love in the WWE, baby.

The F*cking Dumbest Quote of the Season

“Please keep this between us.” – Nattie to all of the Divas after telling them and their respective significant others about the secret that Nikki Bella has kept for 10 years

Part of my complaint about this show’s lazy-as-hell writing is that for a reality series, these Divas sure like to pretend that everything they’re saying isn’t on camera. Like when Nikki Bella revealed to Nattie of all people in Cabo that she’d been married before, when Brie Bella was the only other person who knew. Obviously, we’d all find out – from little old me to John Cena – when the episode aired. So it’s not, in essence, a secret. But what’s so amazingly stupid about this is that Nattie sat at a table with multiple cameras pointed at it, and she revealed Nikki’s secret to the rest of the Divas and said, “Please keep this between us.” You mean us and the REST OF THE WORLD YOU DOLT!!!

Again, that’s not necessarily on Nattie, as much as it’s on the writers and producers for not thinking for one second while writing this, “Wait, this is a reality show, so everyone should know there’s no such thing as secrets, right?” It’s not even a Catch-22 at this point. It’s like a Catch-∞.

But Nattie also had the most inspirational moment of the show, when she told Eva Marie that she’d have no respect for her if she wasn’t nervous for her first WrestleMania match. Hey, it’s like that time that I said that Nattie should be the leader of this group, offering sage advice instead of being a catty moron who gossips as much as she complains about not getting title shots. If anything happened in this season finale, it was that the writers almost started getting it right.

As if Eva Marie Wasn’t Nervous Enough

Oh WWE fans, you never cease to let me down. While Eva Marie was signing posters and photos for fans at the WrestleMania meet-and-greet, someone yelled out, “You can’t wrestle!” That obviously affected her because she knows she can’t wrestle, the other Divas know she can’t wrestle, and the fans know she can’t wrestle, and yet Summer’s the enemy. Sorry, I just wanted to throw that one out there again for anyone who is as baffled as I am that Summer was turned into the show’s villain because she was worried about Eva Marie’s ability to perform in the ring.

Then the most amazing thing in the two-season history of this show happened – a fan actually said to Eva Marie, “I’m shocked they’re actually letting you wrestle.” Now, on one hand, I’m sure that “fan” was planted. That was too conveniently mean, but then I’ve been wrong about plenty before. But that look of disbelief on Eva Marie’s face as the older sister from every 80s movie walked away did the impossible, if only for a second – it made me feel bad for her. But then I remembered that she’s had every chance to spend her time training, but photo shoots are more important, you guys!

But forget all of that, because while the Divas stood around worrying about whether or not they’d wrestle, Eva Marie had a moment with Nattie that made me ask, “Why weren’t we doing that all along?” What if Eva Marie’s whole shtick this entire time wasn’t “I’m so hot, Team Red, Maxim magazine, boobs!” and was instead, “I want to be respected and rise to the top, having earned it”? Haha, just kidding, I said that from Day One. Like the WWE cares about that. Please remember, though, that this apparently counts as a great performance:

Why the F*ck is Summer Honestly Supposed to be Upset About Brie’s Wedding?

Who gives a crap if she’s not invited? Save the money on a gift and go hang out with Emma somewhere. Hell, make a show that’s just about Summer and Emma and I’ll watch that every time instead of this show. Also, make a show that’s just Paige and me getting ice cream and I’ll do that for free. But I digress.

Best Quote of the Episode

“Maybe you should stop being a bitch to them.” – Emma to Summer, after Summer says that Emma is her only friend because the other Divas hate her

Again, I hate this whole bitch role for Summer, but if it means more of Emma, then I’m all for it. Anyway, remember how it was such a big deal that Summer was the most hated Diva? It wasn’t. They barely addressed it. But at least they let her crash the After Divas show.

Nikki and Her Mom Conveniently Left John and Tank Top Bro Alone

I can complain about it over and over, but the revelation scene between Nikki’s brother, Rob Kardashian Lite, and Cena was actually really funny, if only because watching Cena act is always a treat. The way he pretends to swallow his shock and anger for the sake of not causing a scene is better than anything he gave us in The Marine. But then it was back to playing make believe, and not only did the show drag the actual revelation out yet again, for like the fifth time in two episodes, but they also played the clip of Rob Kardashian Lite telling Cena for the sixth time in three episodes. This finale could have been one 30-minute episode of the actual worthwhile content, or it could have been two episodes of unique and interesting storytelling, revolving around how each Diva actually prepared for Wrestlemania, but instead it was this crap.

And you know what? Not even the fifth time was the charm. “I’m just feeling so bad, I wish there was something I could do for him,” she said, apparently fine with the fact that this show has painted her as a heartless, brainless succubus. Even the Season 1 finale, when Nikki walked away from Cena and pretended like she wouldn’t take him back, was better and more believable than this crap. Like a grown man would just sit at a table and not say anything about his girlfriend’s secret marriage. How dumb do you think I am, E!? You know, if you ignore that I willingly write 2,000 words about this show each week.

It all finally blew up in Nikki’s face when Rob Kardashian Lite revealed to her that he told Cena, and she actually got pissed at him and Brie because they ruined her lie. The only thing worse than her logic was her acting, and if she thinks she has a future in entertainment, she’d better get locked into the Sharknado franchise now.

So how did Cena take the news that Nikki had been married before? With a grain of salt. Because developing it and making him display emotional range would have taken away from the amount of times they could tease Nikki telling him into a commercial break.

Total Divas Post-Season Power Rankings

1. Naomi – Still the best, no matter how little of her and Jimmy Uso we got in this episode.
2. Summer Rae – She had the biggest story of the past several episodes and they just dropped it. Amazing writing.
3. Brie Bella – I wish I could have ranked the Bella’s mom as the No. 1 Diva but she doesn’t count.
4. Nattie – If she focuses on being the wise veteran moving forward, then she’ll be a much better part of this show.
5. Cameron – She loves Vinnie and saying, “Bomb dot com.” Ugh.
6. Eva Marie – Wait, what?
7. Nikki Bella – She’s really the worst. Just a vapid, empty, soulless character of a person. How does she sign off on something that makes her look so pathetic?