'Total Divas' Episode Recap: Eva Marie And Cameron Present The Worst Thing You've Ever Watched

03.24.14 4 years ago 52 Comments

Last we heard from the wonderful ladies that bring us E!’s Total Divas each week, Nikki Bella was walking on a long, conveniently abandoned pier in San Diego to finally reunite with John Cena to see if they could salvage their troubled relationship. If you’re not hip to the scripted personal lives of the WWE’s Superstars and Divas, Cena just wrapped up a rocky divorce and vowed to never get married again. He also doesn’t want kids. Nikki, on the other hand, wants to get married and have a child like ASAP, because her twin sister is about to get married, and love is a competition. Will they reconcile and find a happy medium? Probably not, because that’s boring and reality shows need drama, no matter how transparent it may seem.

Meanwhile, Eva Marie has been paired with the show’s newest Diva, Summer Rae, and they seemed to be naturally excited about being a tag team. Will that last? No. Nobody likes Eva Marie, so it’s only a matter of time before they start feuding, too. Remember, if this show has taught us anything, it’s not that women should be taken seriously as professional wrestlers and entertainers just like men, but that there can be only one top Diva, and they’ll all do whatever it takes to make us think that they’re the best. Now let’s jump into this week’s power rankings.

Pre-episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – She’s always the best, because her and Jimmy Uso are the greatest couple in the world.
2) Summer Rae – She’s still new and hasn’t had any time to make us loathe her.
3) Brie Bella – She’s the voice of reason, and compared to her sister she’s an angel.
4) Nikki Bella – Fortunately for Nikki, no matter how spoiled or entitled she pretends to be, she’s not even close to being the worst person on this show.
5) Nattie – Poor, poor Nattie.
6) Cameron – She wasn’t bad at all last week, but Vincent was still on the show because of her, and that’s never good.
7) Eva Marie – She’s the worst.

Now on with this week’s recappity action…

John Cena is a Walking, Talking, JORTS-Wearing Movie Cliché

Let’s pretend for a second that everything that happens on Total Divas is 100 percent real and not at all scripted to make these people seem way more interesting than they actually are. That would mean Cena had a pier cleared so he could make his girlfriend, who was dressed in a red miniskirt and sleeveless fur coat, walk down it so he could tell her, “You make me a better man.” Cena is that dude who bases his relationship off of the things that bros say in shitty rom-coms and Nick Sparks dramas. If we find out at some point that Nikki Bella’s implants were given to her by the ghost of Cena’s ex-wife, I wouldn’t blink.

But since this was scripted, I expect better from E! and the WWE. At least set this nonsense to a Peter Cetera song so I can pretend it’s true love, and not, as Cena so eloquently put it, “So uhhhhh I wanna be with you, if you’ll have me.” Oh John Cena, we’ll all have you!

John Cena Has a Bus, So Brie Thinks Daniel Bryan Needs a Bus

John Cena’s bus is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. Okay, maybe the second dumbest thing after Will Smith’s bus mansion, but it’s still nicer than most people’s homes. He even has mirrors all over it so he and Nikki can watch themselves have sex. How do we know that? Because they just had sex in it right before this episode was filmed. Nikki and Cena have lots of sex, you guys.

Anyway, Brie thinks that a fancy bus is just the thing that Daniel Bryan needs for their upcoming Texas shows, because he’s always exhausted from traveling. It’s totally not because Cena has one for him and Nikki, at least that’s not the obvious point that was made. That’s the difference between Brie and Nikki – Brie has a little bit of humanity in her. Nikki wants to get married to the WWE’s biggest star so she can be the biggest Diva. It’s pretty terrible.

But there’s a classic sitcom catch to Daniel’s bus – he can’t really afford his own bus, so Brie thinks they should invite all of the Divas to chip in and they can all ride it. Related side story: Back in college, I rented a Winnebago with some friends for a road trip to a football game. That Winnebago was probably torched by the time we got back and returned it. RVs and luxury busses were not meant for more than a few people at a time. This will not go well, because as soon as the first person farts, it’s going to be a nightmare.

Nattie Still Inexplicably Hates Summer

Other than Summer making a joke about Nattie’s hair color, they haven’t explained why these two don’t get along. Is it just because Nattie is bitter that she tries so hard to be a good wrestler and the other girls are getting bigger pushes than her because “OMG THEY R SO HAWT”? If so, just please have Nattie make a quick aside to say that’s why, so I can side with Summer regardless of what Nattie’s reason is. Thank you.

Eva Marie and Summer are riding partners, so they have to travel together. That means that Summer needs to be on the bus, and Nattie isn’t cool with that. (At this point in the episode, my prediction is that Nattie farts in the bus first.) Finally, Summer showed up to the Divas brunch to inform Eva Marie that they are late for a photo shoot, but Nattie was pissed that she made Eva Marie leave because THEY WERE LATE TO A WWE PHOTO SHOOT. Maybe Nattie’s new ring gimmick could be that she flies off the handle about the dumbest things. Like, she’s in a tag match and she suddenly turns on her partner because she doesn’t like which hand she tagged with. That would be a pretty Nattie thing.

The Unholiest ‘Red and Gold’ Alliance

This whole segment was terrible. What makes it worse is that eventually the episode would try to make you feel bad for Eva Marie, but right now? It’s impossible.

The Dumbest Story this Show has Ever Had

Tamina Snuka’s super kick knocked Nikki Bella’s tooth out during a match, and for a few moments I actually felt bad for her. But that’s less because she thought that “John’s gonna think I’m hideous,” and more because I’m just one of those people who is really sensitive about teeth injuries. I love my teeth and would not like them knocked out, please. Damn it, I just gave you all one of my biggest weaknesses. That’ll come back to haunt me.

Nikki spent the rest of the episode hiding from Cena because she thought he would dump her for missing a tooth. This was really stupid. Please don’t ever do something this dumb again.

Quote of This Week’s Episode

Nattie dancing

“This is an Erection Free Bus” – Daniel Bryan

If you have to listen to these girls talk as much as he does, I’m sure that truer words have never been spoken.

(GIF via)

There are Rumors That Summer Rae Has Been Sleeping with Someone in the WWE

My first guess would have been Mark Henry, but I think that’s wrong. Summer can’t believe that Daniel Bryan, of all people, would say that he’s heard rumors that she’s sleeping with someone in the WWE, but since it was Nattie that asked her during a game of Truth or Dare (OF COURSE THEY PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE ON THE BUS) it implies that some of her ill will toward Summer stems from the fact that she might be sleeping her way to the middle of the WWE.

The claws finally came out between Nattie and Summer, and Nattie admitted that she doesn’t even know why she doesn’t like her. Either way, Daniel Bryan should have kicked them both off the bus, because they are really ruining the best show on TV with this forced nonsense.

New Bitter Feud Rising: Cameron vs. Eva Marie

Eva Marie was acting like Cameron was her best friend in the world at the open of the show, as she even stole her terrible catchphrase “bomb dot com,” but once Eva Marie acted like she was the top Diva for being picked as one of the two Divas to go to Afghanistan to honor the troops by giving them the girl who can’t wrestle or talk, and then again for bragging about being in Maxim’s Hot 100 (the same one that named Miley Cyrus the hottest girl in the world), Cameron shed that friendship. How did she react? By showing the rest of the Divas some old, really embarrassing modeling photos of Eva Marie. Oh, and Sandra the seamstress, too. And she boasted about how bad this could be for Eva Marie. This was some cold-blooded sh*t.

The best part of this, though, was when Fandango showed them to Summer – I f*cking love how the back stage culture of the WWE is presented like a high school, by the way – and she replied, “They’re pretty risky.” I laughed a little too hard at that. Regardless, the photos were fully circulating through the WWE and that just elevated this from cold-blooded to DAMMMMMMMMMMMMMN DON’T F*CK WITH CAMERON.

Wait no, the best part of this, actually, is how the Divas are spending all their time together in the same bus, so they can’t avoid each other at all, so when Summer suddenly decided to break the news to Eva Marie that everyone was passing around these old nudie pics, what on Earth did she expect to happen? Eva Marie was going to confront Cameron and the whole ride would be ruined, and that’s exactly what happened. Of course, we loved every second of it, but it was pretty messed up. Like, I almost feel bad for Eva Marie, but I’m very secretly high-fiving Cameron.

But you know who won this whole stupid ordeal? My girl Naomi, because she was there for Eva Marie to make her feel better, and she put Cameron in her place for trying to pretend she knows about Eva Marie’s past. Naomi’s the best.

Oh Hey What’s Up, Dean Ambrose?

Dean Ambrose Eating 1

Dean Ambrose Eating 2

“Nothin’. Just eatin’.”

(GIFs via)

Best Part of the Episode

Paul Heyman

Paul Heyman with the “Guess who just got an interesting text…” eyes pointed at Eva Marie.

(GIF via)

Best Part of the Episode Runner-Up

Tyson Kidd's reaction

Tyson Kidd’s reaction to Eva Marie confronting Cameron on the bus. Personally, I would have probably climbed out the window to avoid the awkward bad acting.

(GIF via)

In Conclusion…

Vince is not impressed

This might have been the worst episode of this series so far. It was really bad, partially because of the ridiculously stupid tooth story, but mainly because you can’t spend every episode of the series leading up to this making Eva Marie look like a conniving temptress who will use her looks and sexuality to get to the top, only to try to make her look like a victim. It doesn’t work well, and it’s very difficult to transfer heat from Eva Marie to Cameron, when they’re both already the most unlikable people on this show. I hope when Vince McMahon reads this he understands how upset that I, the biggest fan of this show, am right now.

(GIF via)

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – She’s the best in the world. That’s why I hate what’s coming up for her with the whole “Ouch my eye” thing. I might cry when I see that.
2) Brie Bella – The bus was a terrible idea. We never needed to see it happen, but she was the least terrible thing about it.
3) Nikki Bella – This is how bad the episode was, that I’m ranking the Tooth Fairy here, even though she was at her absolute worst this week.
4) Summer Rae – Why are they trying to paint her like a blonde version of Eva Marie? I think it’s bullshit that Nattie hates her for no reason, but she shouldn’t be playing into it. She should be the ignorant diplomat.
5) Nattie – This is the lowest 5 I’ve ever ranked. Nattie’s jealous routine is getting really old.
6) Eva Marie – She’s still the worst, but I’m not ranking her last because I kind of feel bad that she cried. But if she brags about Maxim, as if it’s something to really be proud of, one more time, I’m going to forever cement her at 7.
7) Cameron – Colllllllllllllld-blooded stuff this week.

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