‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: The Most Predictable Crap On Television

Senior Writer
04.14.14 29 Comments

When we last left the ladies of the WWE’s amazingly believable reality series Total Divas, newcomer Summer Rae was just showing off some good, old-fashioned assault by slapping Nattie in the face. It had been a long time coming, at least four or five episodes, and I don’t really remember how many episodes there have been this season, because when I think back on everything that I’ve watched on this show, I get a nosebleed and black out. Anyway, even though they haven’t really set it up beyond Nattie hating Summer Rae because she’s flirty and Summer Rae hating Nattie because she’s Nattie, the rivalry between these two has reached nuclear proportions, and it can only get more ridiculous from here.

Elsewhere, Nikki Bella and her breasts took John Cena back after they left him because he refuses to marry her and deliver her his seed in the mating shed. However, there is still some uneasiness between Nikki and Cena, and so things are about to get really f*cking crazy between them, because Nikki is the biggest Diva in the world (according to her) and she will always get what is hers or whatever random rhetoric she’s blabbered at us for so long.

Oh, and I had a few glasses of Booker’s while watching this week’s episode of Total Divas, so if I don’t make sense, or I make as much sense as Eva Marie, that’s why. YOU ALL DROVE ME TO DRINK.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – Sure, she and Jimmy Uso violated Daniel Bryan’s “No penis” rule on the bus, but I can’t be mad at them.
2) Summer Rae – I don’t like saying that someone deserved to be slapped, but… you know.
3) Brie Bella – Just kind of there, being the really attractive voice of reason next to her sister.
4) Cameron – We’ve been light on Vincent and wannabe pop songs about her chingy or whatever. This is good.
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts – I want her and Cena to break up and then neither of them to ever find love again, because they are awful.
6) Nattie – Poor, poor Nattie. All she wants is to be taken seriously as a wrestler and to be able to say whatever she wants about other people behind their backs with no repercussions.
7) Eva Marie – Still the worst.

This is also the first time this season that I realized that JoJo has simply vanished. Like, POOF. Oh well, and now on with this week’s episode, “Inhale, Exhale”…

The Difference Between Nikki and Brie Bella

I hate that this show somehow manages to draw me into the most ridiculous plotlines, but this crap with the difference between Nikki and Cena and Brie and Daniel Bryan is like the bread and butter of shit that I shouldn’t ever admit to anyone. But here we go – when Nikki puts her shoes up on the table to show off the expensive, stupid shoes that Cena bought her, and then Brie talks about the sweet stone bracelet that Daniel got for her, I wanted a lion to charge into the room and eat Nikki’s stupid feet off, and then the Nobel Prize committee to enter and give Brie a big trophy. It’s so irritating listening to Nikki brag about Cena’s money. And how the hell do the other Divas feel about it? I guarantee they loathe her, real or not. They absolutely hate every ounce of her. I’m 100% certain of this.

Poor, Poor Nattie’s Got a Nose Bleed

If I sat down and made a long, very-well-thought-out list of the things that I don’t want to see, I’m pretty sure that Nattie sticking a napkin up her bloody nose and wiping her nose with her wrist, all before snorting for the camera (be glad there’s not video), would be somewhere in between Andy Reid bathing and Farrah Abraham doing anything ever again. But there we were, sitting at breakfast with half of the cast of Total Divas, watching Nattie actually get pissed off because they didn’t want to see her wiping blood all over herself either. It’s starting to become very clear that Nattie is just the most clueless person at the party that she wasn’t invited to.

By the time she finally sees her doctor, who is basically a real life villain from a crappy 80s movie, Nattie learns that she’s going to need invasive surgery on her nose. This obviously affects her chances to win the Divas Championship at TLC, so she “cries.” She has a very important decision to make, and I’m sure that we’re all just choking on our own tongues as we wait to find out.

Nikki is a Real Estate Agent Now

Seriously. She is. She’s never mentioned this at all, like ever, but here we are. And a few firms are looking at her, because who doesn’t want to buy a house from John Cena’s girlfriend? What’s that? You’ve got a studio apartment with no windows in Crenshaw for $6,000 a month? Well, I loved your boyfriend in The Marine 7: Spring Break in Beirut, so I’ll take it!

A Serious Thought About Nattie

Right as Nattie’s going to rat out Summer Rae to Mark, he lets her know that she’s going to wrestle for the Divas Championship at TLC, because she’s “never hurt and always on time.” Hey, what a coincidence that she’s hurt with a broken nose that she got when another Diva went to her house and assaulted her in broad daylight! For real, though, I wish they had just made Nattie the straightforward girl busting her ass trying to be a champion, instead of this bitter, nasty, angry, jealous monster of a human being. But then, I guess, that’s the point of a scripted reality series about professional wrestlers, making as little sense as humanly possible while making it so we hate all of these women equally.

By the way, here are the far better No H8 moments from this episode, including Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella:

And Summer Rae:

Wait, Wait, Wait, HOLD THE PHONE, Nikki’s Seriously a Real Estate Agent?

There are a lot of really stupid shows on TV, but real estate shows are among the worst, because why on Earth do I want to watch someone with way more money than me buy a house I can’t afford? (The exception is House Hunters International, because the foreign places are pretty rad.) So now we’re watching Nikki sell homes on Total Divas, which is insanely awful. Naturally, she’s nervous, so she calls Cena and he mentions that she loves the place a lot two times, which means he’s probably going to buy it for her, which is basically combining the two things that I’ve complained about the most to this point. It could only be worse if Nattie ends up moving in with Nikki.

We’re apparently going to watch this all unfold with a cheating angle, as Cena received a mysterious phone call from Sarah, and Nikki thinks he’s up to no good. GEE IS THIS GOING TO END WITH CENA BUYING HER THE APARTMENT SHE LIKES I WONDER

Naomi’s Uncle is Named Buck

Uncle Buck

Universal Pictures

There’s only one Uncle Buck, people. RIP John Candy.

Meanwhile, Naomi is Recording a Music Video

Nikki Bella is a realtor and Naomi is suddenly a pop singer. I feel like I missed 10 episodes of this show. Is it about to be canceled and E! is just showing the remaining episodes out of order now like ABC did with Happy Endings? Because when the hell did Naomi even record a song? We’ve finally reached the point that I’m mad at Naomi over something. The entire music video scene was awkward and terrible. It should have involved Cameron or Eva Marie, but it didn’t. It involved my sweet, wonderful Naomi and now I’m sad.

Poor, Poor Nattie and Her Even More Broken Nose

There’s something really hilariously asinine about this being a show about “real” moments of WWE Divas being captured by cameras 24/7 and Nattie trying to hide the fact that Summer first broke her nose when she went to her home and committed assault and then again when she hit Nattie during their match. Like, does Mark and anyone else involved in booking not get to watch the footage that the camera crews are recording or do they lock it away in a safe until the episode airs, at which point Mark is like, “Oh man, I totally didn’t know”? Because this is just getting f*cking ridiculous, even by professional wrestling standards.

The Worst Conversation(s) in the History of Television

Nikki and Brie Bella discussing bon-bons was nightmare television. Eventually, this turns into Nikki and Brie driving by the gym to discover that Cena wasn’t there like he said he’d be, and Nikki says, “Fuck my life.” This gave me a great idea – what if Nikki’s “character” is a girl who only speaks in tired-as-all-hell Internet slang? Her name could be Nikki BeLOLa.That would be so obnoxiously appropriate.

Serious question, though – is there anyone out there who watched this episode and didn’t immediately put 2 and 2 together after seeing the preview that revealed that Cena was lying and then Nikki talking about how much she loved the apartment she was trying to sell? Is there anyone who was like, “Oh man, Nikki and Cena are really going to break up this time and he’s definitely cheating on her”? Because I want those people locked in a cage so I can shoot paintballs at them until they’re forced to be mildly intelligent. On a show that is scripted and more predictable than the sun rising, this was the most predictable damn thing they’ve ever done. Just awful, awful television. I wish I could describe how insulted I felt while watching this.

Poor, Poor Nattie and Her Broken Nose and No Belt

Instead of making fun of Nattie for losing to AJ Lee at TLC, I want to be positive and talk about two things that I actually like about Nattie. First, I love when she’s wrestling and they show Tyson Kidd at the monitor watching her match, because he’s such a terrible actor that he can’t even sell basic emotion, and it cracks me up every time he pretends to be surprised. And second, Nattie is the reason that we got the most AJ Lee we’ve had in this entire series in this one horrible episode. Seriously, this was a really terrible display of TV.

The Best Awful Part of this Episode

Naomi’s new dance song did give us this nonsense that made me strangely angry:

But it also gave us “Music Critic Nikki Bella” nodding along to the jam, which made me laugh:

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Summer Rae – She was barely in it, but she’s responsible for the awful plot I just sat through. I should hate that, but I’m impressed.
2) Cameron – Cameron being ranked above Naomi? What on Earth is happening here?
3) Brie Bella – Her talking about the bracelet that Daniel Bryan got her was more interesting than anything that has been on this stupid show since the episode when Daniel proposed.
4) Eva Marie – WHAT THE WHAT?!?!?! Honestly, it bothered me that everyone was suddenly fine with her, but she barely talked and we didn’t have to deal with Scott Stapp Lite, so she benefits from the awfulness around her.
5) Naomi – The dance track nonsense is just horrible. Watching her and Jimmy dancing in a music video is Saved by the Bell final season (the one with Tori) shark-jumping.
6) Nikki Bella – I can’t even really describe how much I hated this episode’s stupid “surprise” for how horribly obvious it was. I never really liked Cena to begin with, but this is just making me more than it’s healthy for me to hate anyone.
7) Nattie – Her fake crying makes me real cry.

All I want right now is for people to start making “Poor, poor Nattie” signs for Raw. Let’s get on that, folks.

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