Welcome back to the show that never ends, it just goes on brief hiatuses sometimes. The UFC has returned, which means so have the predictions! Just a reminder, UFC 179 begins at 7:00 PM ET on Saturday, October 25th. Feel free to submit your own predictions prior to the first Fight Pass prelim contest in the comments. Whoever gets the most right will receive the smug satisfaction that they are smart.
Important Standings of Note:
Lightweight – Fabricio “Morango” Camoes vs Tony Martin
Jessica: Morango means strawberry, so I figure a fighter should be moderately tough to have that nickname. Camoes takes a decision and maybe gets a celebratory short cake.
Burnsy: Now that the UFC has allowed me ample time to recover from Gunnar Nelson’s loss, I feel confident enough to make picks again, even though I know that Jessica did some number fudging in the time off. I was way closer to 99%. Anywho, let’s get this party started with a coin flip and take Martin.
Vince: Phew, this is rough. I have to maintain this razor thin lead over Burnsy while picking these fighters I have to Google. Let’s see, both guys hoping to stop a two-fight losing streak, both submission guys… I suppose I’ll take the Brazilian in Brazil. Camoes.
Lightweight – Gilbert “Durinho” Burns vs Christos “The Spartan” Giagos
Jessica: There’s no way I’m picking against Burnsy’s Brazilian cousin. Burns wins by second round KO
Burnsy: This fight is so incredibly perfect. Not only do we have my new favorite fighter and cousin from another mousin in Burns, but he’s fighting a “Spartan,” which is my least favorite nickname in MMA. If he changes his nickname to “3rd Degree” and comes out to Nelson’s “Love and Affection,” I’ll start his campaign for a title fight on Monday.
Vince: How many guys who’ve nicknamed themselves “Spartan” do you think know about the Spartan wedding ritual, where the bride shaved her head and dressed up like a man so the groom would feel comfortable? Anyway, I’m taking the undefeated Brazilian.
Featherweight – Felipe “Sertanejo” Arantes vs Andre “Touchy” Fili
Jessica: Apparently Sertanejo means country music. I’ve jokingly thought it meant serotonin, and how that’s a terrible nickname. Fili might have goofy giant ear gauges, but he loves pizza like nobody’s business, so I’ll give him the edge here. Fili touches up Arantes and wins a decision.
Spilled: Fili follows me on twitter and is a very likable guy. I’m pulling for him to win and celebrate with an obscene amount of pizza.
Burnsy: “Touchy” is still one of my favorite nicknames, so I’ll stick with him.
Vince: SET ‘EM UP, COUNTRY MUSIC, IT’S PARTY NIGHT! I always used to shout that part of one of Patton Oswalt’s bits, and now that there’s a guy named Country Music it actually means something. Against anyone but “Touchy Fili” he’d have a distinct advantage in nicknames. Anyway, tempting to pick another Brazilian, but I think Touchy has faced the stiffer competition. Plus, “Touchy Fili,” I mean that’s just great.
Flyweight – Scott “Young Guns” Jorgensen vs Wilson Reis
Jessica: I don’t think I’ll ever stop being a fan of Scotty Jorgz. This means I’ll pretty much never stop picking him to win, unless there are extreme extenuating circumstances. Wilson Reis presents none, so Jorgensen takes a decision win.
Spilled: Three years ago Scott Jourgensen was knocking on the door of title contention and now he’s trying to stay in the UFC. I like Young Guns and I’m rooting for him but he’s good at using his stand up to get it to the ground and get the sub. But in 23 fights, Reis has never been submitted and he has momentum on his side. I hate to do it but I think Reis gets the win.
Burnsy: I’m taking Reis. I hate it because I like Scott “The Guy in the Next Cubicle” Jorgensen, but avoiding a pink slip with a gimme fight does not inspire confidence.
Vince: Okay, finally, some guys I’ve actually seen fight multiple times. I too love Young Guns, but he’s had a rough go of it lately, even losing to Juicy Formica. Anyway, this one’s sort of a pick ’em, because Reis has in the past been susceptible to power hitters like Jorgensen, whereas Jorgensen’s weakness has been elite submission guys like Reis. I think Jorgensen’s loss to Juicy Formica was sort of a fluke that was set up by a headbutt, so I’m going to pick the sentimental favorite and take Young Gunz here.
Lightweight – Yan Cabral vs Naoyuki Kotani
Jessica: While I like that Kotani has been training with Kaori Yoneyama, that doesn’t sound like a smart thing to do for MMA. Cabral’s BJJ should see him through this fight and Yan can tap as he gets a third round submission.
Spilled: Two submission specialists square off. I’m not super familiar with either guy but neither guy is a KO artist so this is gonna likely come down to a submission or a decision. I have to go with Kotani who has more than FOUR TIMES the fights under his belt than Cabral.
Burnsy: Kotani just can’t seem to win in the UFC. He’s on his second stint and his first fight back was that bad TKO loss to “Stormin'” Norman Parke. Like Lisa Ann, I’ll take youth over experience. Cabral, cabrons.
Vince: Dammit, did Burnsy already beat me to a Cabral/Cabrone joke? Lame. Anyway, yeah, I’m taking the Nova Uniao guy in Brazil. Cabral.
Welterweight – William “Patolino” Macario vs Neil Magny
Jessica: Despite looking like Simon Phoenix, Macario is nicknamed after Daffy Duck. That’s weird, even for me. I have come to accept Neil Magny into my life, so I won’t gnash my teeth at his existence any longer. I do want to point out that Neil is currently 4-0 in 2014, which is crazy cakes. Magny wins by decision because sure, why not?
Spilled: Macario has a win over Bobby Voelker and that’s no small feat but Magny has more Octagon experience and has more ways to win. I’m going with Fuckin’ Magnys, how do they work?!
Burnsy: Magny is going to win, because it’s just destined to happen. At some point he’ll win a belt, too, and hopefully he’ll call us out as his biggest haters.
Vince: I always pick against Magny, because he has an uncanny ability to win fights without being memorable in anyway. Patolino hits really hard and sharp but also has a tendency to move backwards with his head straight up. Patolino impressed me more against Voelker than Magny ever has, so I’m going to pick Patolino so that Magny can make a fool of me yet again.
Lightweight – Carlos Diego Ferreira vs Beneil “Benny” Dariush
Jessica: Dariush has never really impressed me, while I think I recall Ferreira doing A Cool Thing (Though there are at least five other Brazilians I’m possibly confusing him for). Despite a hazy memory, I’m taking Ferreira to win by second round submission.
Spilled: Dariush is a likable guy. Talented yet humble. I’m rooting for him. If you look at their common opponent, Ramsey Nijem, Ferreira TKO’d him in 2nd round and Dariush got TKO’d by him in the 1st. So, I’m picking Dariush. Because sometimes your gut just says “Fuck it! Pick that guy anyway… Hey, let’s go get a burrito.”
Burnsy: Ferreira is undefeated for his career and 2-0 in the UFC. I always take one undefeated guy if the UFC offers, so Ferreira is my guy.
Vince: Hey, bro, is it Carlos or Diego? Pick a name, wouldja? Despite his inability to pick a name, he seems like a wrecking ball, and I have to think he’s going to run through Dariush, Dariush, will you do the fandango. Like Burnsy says, go with the undefeated guy.
Featherweight – Darren “The Damage” Elkins vs Lucas “Mineiro” Martins
Jessica: This fight seems like a precursor to the main event. Wrestley American versus Muay Thai-based Brazilian? I’m taking Elkins to win via extended dude-hugs and get the crowd all riled up.
Spilled: Martins is a finisher and he has more impressive wins. His lone loss coming to Barboza – and that guy is pretty good. I’m sorry Darren Elkins, but I can’t chant USA, USA, USA! for this one. Martins gets the finish.
Burnsy: MAAAAAARTINNNNNNS! Get it, like the TV show Martin? No, you’re the asshole.
Vince: Tough to pick here, two tough guys who’ve mostly only lost to top contenders. I’m giving the slight edge to the Brazilian in Brazil, especially since he just knocked a guy out in July, whereas Elkins hasn’t fought since January.
Light Heavyweight – Fabio “The Iron Hillbilly” Maldonado vs Hans Stringer
Jessica: I’ve been a fan of Maldonado for a long time, so I was super sad when Stipe Miocic punched his lights out (Especially after he came out to SUCH A RAD SONG). Stringer is probably a dingus first class, so I’m taking the IRON HILLBILLY to win by second round KO.
Spilled: Maldonado looks like a cross between Homer Simpson and Fred Flintstone and he clearly hates combs. Stringer has an impressive record…. against a bunch of fighters with names that have two of the same vowel in a row. I wish I remembered his last fight… Uhh… Maldonado by losing the fight and then winning the fight. Yabba Dabba DOH!
Burnsy: I mean, Iron Hillbilly. You can’t pick against that nickname.
Vince: One thing i know about Fabio Maldonado is that he’s really amazing at stopping punches with his face. This Hans Stringer chap, he has a lot of fights but I do not know him. I’m taking Maldonado because he’s unkillable.
Light Heavyweight – Glover Teixeira vs Phil “Mr. Wonderful” Davis
Jessica: Davis was made to look like an enormous fool at the hands of the returning Rumble Johnson. Despite this, I’m still picking the pink-shorts wearing Mr. Wonderful, mostly because I want to see another Mr. Wonderful submission. Davis makes Teixeira tap in the second round.
Spilled: Phil Davis will dance away from Glover’s punches then give him lots of cuddles on the ground and then he’ll get the decision win. I think.
Burnsy: Fine, I’ll take Glover. He’s going to win, so I’ll take the checkmark next to my name.
Vince: I think Glover is the same kind of fighter as Rumble and Rashad, the two guys who’ve beaten Phil Davis. Davis is great, but he tends to get outclassed by hard hitters with solid takedown defense like Glover. Remember when Glover kicked Bader’s ass? Glover. Speaking of Rumble, I really hope the domestic violence stuff isn’t true, because I really love watching that dude fight.
Featherweight – Jose Aldo vs Chad “Money” Mendes
Jessica: This is a tough fight to pick. On one hand, you have Jose “I don’t know how to buy a suit, and that makes me giggly” Aldo, which is super adorable. On the other you have Chad “Yes, I will in fact teach you how to Dougie” Mende$, which is kind of dorky. There’s also the fact that Team Alpha Males, especially the three in that video are a combined 0-500 in title fights. However, that run of bad luck was pretty much all prior to Saint BANG Ludwig appearing. I’m going rogue here and saying Mendes gets Aldo down and unleashes some ground-based poundings to get a third round TKO stoppage. Then Chad will probably get swarmed and stabbed by angry Brazilians, looking to change “UH VAI MORRER” from a threat to a reality.
Spilled: Mendes had a great shot at beating Aldo last time they fought. But Aldo had a better shot a knee to the DOME! KAPOW! OH SNAP! Will lightning strike twice? I doubt it and Mendes has since turned into a KO artist so he has an even better chance than he did nearly 3 years ago. And just like that. Every UFC Champion will be American. USA! USA! USA!
Burnsy: Aldo deserves our respect. His incredible career and win streak demand our respect. So why, then, can I picture Mendes beating the hell out of him for a first round TKO? Because I’m psychic, book it!
Vince: Aldo is a bad, bad man, who has been maybe the top pound-for-pound guy out there, but Mendes is a good Central Valley kid from Hanford who has spent the last two years absolutely destroying everyone they’ve put against him (side note: if you ever find yourself in Hanford, California, and I don’t know why you would, but in case you do, for the love of God, don’t drink awful, awful tap water). There’s also the whole Aldo-grabbing-the-fence matter from the last time they fought that may have affected the outcome. And that KO, seemed a little flukey, no? But then on the other hand, Chad Mendes is named Chad, and it’s always hard to root for a guy named Chad. Still, I see the Americans continuing their title streak. Mendes just seems too dangerous everywhere these days.