Hey fight friends, welcome back to the smartest, funniest, and most accurate UFC predictions that can be found in the entire internet. This time, the focus is on UFC Fight Night 59, which will be taking place in Boston, on Sunday, January 18, starting at 6:00 PM ET. Let’s get into the picks!
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 301-181-3 (62%)
Burnsy: 293-188-4 (61%)
Vince: 154-89-1 (63%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 76-56-2 (57%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 27-9 (75%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
Seth: 24-11 (69%)
Biss: 21-12-1 (63%)
Flyweight – Tateki “Tech” Matsuda vs Joby Sanchez
Jessica: I want to pick for Matsuda, but I just don’t see it happening for him. Joby, despite being a goofy name, has some serious power in his tiny hands. Sanchez takes a second round TKO.
Seth: Far more important than some nobody’s pick between a flyweight Fight Pass preliminary fight that maybe five people will watch: Today is Matt Saccaro’s last day writing for CagePotato.com. In honor of his glorious run as the greatest thing to happen to the MMA Twitterverse, I’ll be writing each of my picks in the form of #TweetLikeSaccaro. Best of luck to you on the new gig, Matt!
(As for this fight, dude, why do you even care? Joby Sanchez wins because whatever. Sure. Why not?)
Biss: Someone will win this fight … Matsuda has never been finished … might as well be him … should be loser leaves town … Tateki Matsuda
Burnsy: Joby. Makes me think of Hobie from Baywatch, and that makes me think of Nicole Eggert in her prime. Thank you, Joby, you winner.
Light Heavyweight – Matt “Gutter” Van Buren vs Sean “The Real OC” O’Connell
Jessica: Do I take the bland white guy with tattoos, or the bland white guy without tattoos? Such a tough choice, I’ll say that Gutter wins a decision because I like that nickname more.
Seth: We at Castle CagePotato like to pretend Matt Van Buren is an evil pilot from a 1940s cartoon.
Biss: What is with the horrible nicknames on the fight pass early prelims? … “we got a good up and coming fighter, but the only guy we could get to fight him is named “Mash Potatoes” Jones … “That’s fine we will hide that shit on Fight Pass … along with the headliners brother” … Matt Van Buren.
Burnsy: GUTTER IS A TOOL! GUTTER IS A TOOL! GUTTER IS A… winner.
Featherweight – Charles “Boston Strong” Rosa vs Sean Soriano
Jessica: Obviously UFC isn’t scripted, I’m not a dingus, but there’s no way a dude called BOSTON STRONG loses in Boston, so of course Joe Silva and Sean Shelby will give him a super favorable matchup. Rosa wins by second round submission.
Seth: Our dads were all like “You should write an article about how Soriano will crush Rosa!” =/
Biss: I don’t know how much home field advantage effects an MMA fight, I know it is a factor … but there is no way im picking against a dude named “Boston Strong” … Rosa , early, very early … Charles Rosa.
Burnsy: Rosa, obviously. Especially if he’s pretending that it’s Alfonso Soriano in a Yankees uniform. NAWT IN MY BAHSTAHN, QUEEAH!
Lightweight – Johnny “Hollywood” Case vs Frankie Perez
Jessica: Normally, Frankie goes to Hollywood, but in this fight, I see Hollywood taking it to Frankie. Case is going to punch and kick Perez a bunch and finish him with a third round TKO.
Seth: Johnny Case is one letter from being Johnny Cage and he was our favorite Mortal Kombat character when we were growing up.
Biss: Funny to any one else that a dude named Hollywood is fighting the guy from “I know what you did last summer”? No? Didn’t think so. Ok, I guess I should focus on real fight games stuff, Perez best shot is a Sub, I don’t see it… Johnny Case.
Burnsy: Damn it, Seth took the good observational name humor. Case by a split into a nut punch.
Flyweight – Paddy “The Hooligan” Holohan vs Shane Howell
Jessica: Holohan is good friends with Aisling Daly, who was one of my favorite fighters on TUF 20, despite not getting a ton of camera time. I’m latching onto that because I’m a giant dummy, and I’ll say Paddy submits Howell in the first round.
Seth: Is Patrick Holohan one stoppage over Shane Howell away from becoming the real face of Irish MMA?
Biss: Oh Paddy, he barley looks like a fighter. It’s almost like he’s only here to carry Conor’s bags. Paddy gets back on track here… Paddy Holohan.
Burnsy: The Irish-Boston connection in this event is out of control, especially on a Sunday, which is the Lord’s fightin’ day. The crowd needs to be pissed about something,
Lightweight – Zhang “The Warrior” Lipeng vs Chris Wade
Jessica: STRONG ISLAND MMA, BABY! Wade is going to grapple all over Zhang and take him out with a second round submission.
Seth: We were going to eat shrimp lo mein for lunch to honor Lipeng, but then we remembered we bought pork rinds.
Biss: I see Lipeng in a total out-classing here… Zhang Lipeng.
Welterweight – John “Doomsday” Howard vs Lorenz “The Monsoon” Larkin
Jessica: Despite other evidence that he might not be the greatest fighter in the world, I still have a special place in my heart for John Howard. I think he’ll do well on the feet and be able to take Larkin down if things get hairy standing. Howard wins by third round TKO.
Seth: Should I get a John Howard haircut or has that become too ubiquitous and uncool?
Biss: Nothing to add to this fight at all… John Howard.
Burnsy: Both fighters could be toast with a loss, but Larkin has just been lousy in his last three fights. Howard takes it.
Vince: Larkin has been lousy his last three fights, but has also beaten Robbie Lawler. Meanwhile Howard is coming off losses to Brian Ebersole and Ryan LaFlare. As far as I can tell, the most impressive thing Howard has done in the past few years is win that hey-let’s-be-buddies fight against Uriah Hall. I’m banking on the new welterweight Larkin to not embarrass me for this pick.
Welterweight – Cathal “The Punisher” Pendred vs Sean “Black Magic” Spencer
Jessica: This feels like another gimme fight for the Irish dude, so I’ll buy into that and say Pendred TKOs Spencer in the second round.
Seth: Cathal Pendred vs. Sean Spencer is as blatant of a mismatch as The New Yorker vs. Buzzfeed heh
Biss: Spencer should be the busier fighter if it stays on the feet ill take a stab… Sean Spencer.
Burnsy: The last time Cal fought on a card headlined by The Notorious, he scored a second round TKO. Without McGregor on the card, only a split decision win. I guess I could also say that as he has won his first two fights in the UFC, while Sean “Psych on USA, Characters Welcome” Spencer has been way too unimpressive. Cal wins.
Vince: I barely know who Sean Spencer is, so I have to imagine he was chosen to make the Irishman look good. Cathal via the more Irish first name.
Lightweight – “Stormin” Norman Parke vs Gleison Tibau
Jessica: Good ol’ Glacier Tebow, anchor of the lightweight division. He’s going to grapple the heck out of Parke and take home a decision victory, because that’s what he does.
Seth: Sorry for that last tweet. Park smashing Tibau has the CagePotato staff on edge.
Biss: It feels like Tibau has been fighting forever knock knock storm right though that door keeper… Norman Parke.
Burnsy: Parke’s looking ahead and so am I. He wins and the UFC gives him the death wish that he’s asking for.
Vince: I’m on the record as saying I hate Gleison Tibau, king of the split decision, and I stand by that. Still, Norman Parke hasn’t beaten anyone impressively enough to make me think he could handle Tibau, and Tibau has fought probably 10 guys higher on the food chain than Parke. I’d like to see him pick Tibau apart, but until I see him do it, I have to take Tibau by another plodding split decision.
Middleweight – “Primetime” Uriah Hall vs Ron “The Choir Boy” Stallings
Jessica: I’m still iffy on Hall, but Stallings, despite the neat nickname, is still a week’s notice replacement. I’m taking Uriah to land some cool spinning sh*t and knock out Ron in the second round.
Seth: If you want to watch Uriah Hall beat up Ron Stallings, you’re probably the worst person on the planet like WTF.
Biss: This Hall guy I heard all about a few years ago is on track a win here and give him the biggest fight of his life, CM Punk in Chicago… Uriah Hall.
Burnsy: Hall’s two-win streak means nothing to me, because even in victory he was unimpressive as all hell. This time he has the advantage of Stallings coming from the CFFC by way of the LMNOP and A2M on short notice, so do not fall for it when Hall wins his third in a row (each of them presented on a silver platter) and starts talking about how he deserves a Top 10 matchup.
Vince: I’m also unimpressed with Hall, but come on, I’m not picking the guy without a Wikipedia page. Hall via his desire to win only slightly outweighing his desire not to hurt this opponent who seems like a real nice guy.
Lightweight – Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone vs Benson “Smooth” Henderson
Jessica: Oh boy, this fight is going to be amazing. Cerrone is on an incredible streak, and I’m curious about Bendo after getting knocked out by RDA. I’m taking Cowboy to TKO Benson in the third round.
Seth: Are you less of a person if you aren’t a Donald Cerrone fan?
Biss: For most of my MMA watching life I have gone back and forth on Cowboy. Since the WEC days it has been pull for Cowboy and he comes up short, root against him and he makes me look a fool. Well after the last 15 days I am Cowboy Ride or Die from here on out… Donald Cerrone.
Burnsy: I never ever ever pick the short notice fighter, but Cerrone is in a zone like no other fighter right now. He went three rounds with Myles Jury and I don’t even count that as a fight for him. That was an extended sparring session, because he DOMINATED it. That’s it, I’m sold and all-in on the Cowboy.
Vince: Cerrone is on a hot streak like no other, but do I bet on him against a guy he’s already lost to twice? When he’s looking invincible just when Bendo is looking his most fallible? Sure, why not. Bendo has always annoyed me anyway, with this hair fixing and his dumb toothpick.
Featherweight – “The Notorious” Conor McGregor vs Dennis Siver
Jessica: I don’t care for Conor, but I’m not stupid. Siver is too stumpy to do much against McGregor. Conor wins by second round KO.
Seth: Goodnight, MMA. Please don’t succumb to the ways of the wicked (or Siver Fever, because MCGREGOR).
Biss: So Conor already did the work for us KO with in 2 mins, Conor is great for MMA you either hope he can keep this going because lets face it him and the Irish fans are a lot of fun or you just want to see him get smashed Aldo fight is all but a lock, Silver is set up for a steam rolling in more ways than one… Notorious.
Burnsy: Jessica doesn’t care for Conor, but do you know who does? That’s right, me. I f*cking love this guy. Get on board, world. The Notorious is here to save the UFC by being the only person with a remotely interesting personality. Oh, and he’s the ass-kickingest of ass-kickers. (Please don’t lose, Conor. Also, please don’t be addicted to cocaine.)
Vince: I very much wish Mr. McGregor was fighting Cub Swanson or Frankie Edgar or even Jeremy Stephens, someone who beating might actually justify a title fight, but I’ll take whatever I can get. Let’s be honest, Siver’s style was hand picked here to make McGregor look good. I don’t think it’s going to backfire. McGregor in two, just like he promised.
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Holohan, McGregor
Burnsy: Cerrone, McGregor
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Cowboy vs Bendo 3
Burnsy: My gut, heart and brain say Cowboy vs. Smooth, but I’ll take Rosa and Soriano for fun.