Sports

UFC Fight Night 95 Predictions: The Cyborg And The Elbow Princess


Hello fight fans, are you ready for some punching? Once again, UFC continues with its unyielding march of events every Saturday, stopping sometime in the year 2344. The bouts kick off at 6:30 p.m. on Fight Pass, with the rest of the card on Fox Sports 1. Now let’s take a look at our predictions for the six-fight main card.

2016 Important Results:

Jessica: 152-125-4 (55 percent)
Burnsy: 107-106-3 (50 percent)
Ryan: 9-2 (82 percent)
Jason: 63-53-1 (55 percent)
Bill: 41-29 (59 percent)
Jared: 33-27 (55 percent)
Jackman: 7-5 (58 percent)
Enrique: 7-5 (58 percent)
Jamie: 16-13-1 (55 percent)
Justin: 13-4 (76 percent)
Marty: 20-12-1 (62 percent)
Parker: 3-4 (43 percent)
Team Davis: 79-59-3 (57 percent)
Dan: 4-1 (80 percent)

Featherweight – Godofredo Pepey vs Mike “El Cucuy” De La Torre

Jessica: Other than a severe wrestling at the hands of Darren Elkins, Pepey has been pretty good. Mike DLT is a nickname thief, and he deserves a thrashing. Pepey wins by second round TKO. THAT WAY YOU LEARN, MICHAEL.

Jason: All nickname thieves must go down, I agree, Jessica. That said, Pepey is 4-4 in the UFC and this is anyone’s fight. I’ll take De La Torre but I don’t like it.

Jared: Pepey via some crazy flying sh*t.

Bill: “Godofredo Pepey” is absolutely in the running for greatest fighter name in history. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I picked some guy named “Mike” over him.

Middleweight – Thiago “de Lima Marreta” Santos vs Eric “Zebrinha” Spicely

Jessica: Santos looked solid until he ran into Gegard Mousasi, which isn’t embarrassing in the least. Spicely got subbed by Smile ‘N’ Sam, which isn’t necessarily bad, but it’s always a little puzzling when a KO artist pulls off a submission. I’m taking Santos to kickbox Spicely a lot and win by third round TKO.

Jason: Santos all day. I don’t think Spicely has anything for him standing up or on the ground.

Jared: Thiago Santos is going to lay hands on Spicely until he falls over. Estimated time of stoppage, 0:45 round 1.

Bill: On paper, this is a spectacularly lopsided fight. I’ll side with my colleagues and pick Santos in a walk.

Lightweight – Francisco “Massaranduba” Trinaldo vs Paul “The Irish Dragon” Felder

Jessica: I’m not ready to completely write off Felder, but I think Trinaldo’s on too much of a hot streak. Francisco is going to stifle Felder’s fun spinny times and deliver a Massarandrubbing. Trinaldo wins by decision.

Jason: Felder is fine. Trinaldo is fine. This is a fine matchup, as long as we admit it’s to showcase Trinaldo, who should have his way with the Irishman.

Jared: It’s a real shame that Felder has never been able to live up to the massive knockout he scored against Danny Castillo in his second UFC fight, and though I don’t think he’s going to be blown out of the water here by Trinaldo, I also don’t see him being able to outgun him for 15 minutes. Trinaldo.

Bill: Another lopsided fight that seems real easy to pick. It’s almost like the roster is really thin because UFC runs about three times as many events as they reasonably should. Weird. Trinaldo by decision.

Heavyweight – Roy “Big Country” Nelson vs Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva

Jessica: F*CK YEAH, BEEF BOYZ! Nelson’s been on a skid, but Silva’s chin is a dang shambles. Nelson wins with a huge overhand KO in the first.

Jason: LOVE THIS FIGHT! I can’t see any scenario in which Bigfoot isn’t unconscious, but leading up to that moment, this should be a fun one. How has this fight not been made before? What a pleasant surprise.

Jared: When I was a child growing up in the backwoods of Upstate New York, I liked to go exploring in the wilderness surrounding my home from time to time. I’d climb trees to scope out the territory, build forts in hollowed out pockets of the mountainside, and catch crawfish in the nearby creeks with my brothers while trying not to get covered in pond scum and mud before dinner (at which I almost always failed).

Every now and again, I’d find the remnants of an animal skeleton scattered amongst the foliage, and being a curious youngster, would bring them back home to compare with the ones my brothers had also collected. We treated them like trading cards, almost — primitive trophies for future hunters-to-be. What I always found odd was that, of the dozens of deer that were claimed in the woods around me every year, the only remains I could ever find was the occasional jawbone, sometimes with the teeth still embedded in it. It was odd because I knew the process of cleaning/preserving a deer after you had shot one, and never before had I seen someone simply throw a deer head away before taking the carcass back to camp. We didn’t have many bears in our neck of the woods either, which only further fueled my curiosity as to why so many deer jaws were just laying around for me to find — the last fragments of a majestic creature with a story just begging to be told.

I guess the point of my story is that Roy Nelson may very well send Bigfoot’s jawbone flying into the 13th row of the Nilson Nelson Gymnasium this weekend, and when/if he does, I wonder if decades, maybe even centuries from now — when nature has once again reclaimed the Earth from the destructive forces of man — a young fawn may stumble across it and wonder, like I so often wondered during my back country retreats growing up, what massive, archaic being it once belonged to, and what that being’s story was.

Fade to black.

Bill: This is the fight I’m easily the most excited for, and the main reason to watch this event. There’s no way I’d ever pick against Big Country, even if his opponent wasn’t Silva. Nelson wins by knockout and I jump up and down and clap and giggle like a happy baby.

Ryan: Roy Nelson has one of the hardest heads in the UFC, which means he’ll be able to take more than enough knocks from Bigfoot Silva’s canned ham fists to get in a few of his own. Unfortunately, Silva’s chin just hasn’t been up to the task of keeping him upright lately. He’s been on the receiving end of four first round KOs in the past two years. I fear Saturday night will bring that total up to five. Nelson via TKO in round two.

Featherweight – Renan Barao vs Philippe Nover

Jessica: Wow, really? How the former POUND FOR POUND MONSTER has fallen. Barao is still going to rip Nover to shreds, but it’s still funny that this is who he’s fighting. Barao wins by second round KO.

Jason: Nover has been cut by the UFC a million times. How is he still in the organization, let alone fighting Barao in the co-main event of a card? This makes no sense, unless it’s the UFC finally taking pro wrestling booking to heart and getting Barao a potential highlight win. I don’t know. Weird fight.

Jared: Not only did I have no idea that Phillipe Nover was fighting in the UFC again, but I wasn’t even aware that he had returned to the world of MMA since becoming a male nurse, bro. That he’s being paired against Renan Barao is either a testament to the progress he has made over the years or a mismatch that would be better suited in the preliminary rounds of a Super Hluk Tournament. Either way, Barao should take this with ease.

Bill: Hey, it’s Renan Barao! He’s going to win this fight!

Ryan: How did this fight get booked? Is this what a UFC without Joe Silva looks like? Or does Joe really hate Phil Nover and this is Joe’s parting ‘F you!’ gift to the poor guy. Renan Barao via first round technical knockout.

Catchweight (140lbs) – Cris “Cyborg” Justino vs Lina Lansberg

Jessica: rip in peace, lina. Cyborg is going to maul Lansberg in about 3 minutes. Cyborg wins by first round KO.

Jason: There’s no way Lina Lansberg, wins this fight, but she has the weird confidence needed to win an MMA fight — just not this one. She’s 6-1 and 34-years-old. She has knockout power. She will be destroyed.

Jared: If Cyborg can actually make weight for this fight without killing herself (and, all kidding aside, that’s a big IF at this point), she is going to plaster Lansberg with such force that a spatula will be required to remove her from the canvas.

Bill: I guess nearly this entire card is just people getting fed to monsters. That’s sad from a fighter standpoint, but pretty great for us. Cyborg is going to punch the soul out of Lansberg. RIP Lansberg.

Ryan: I expect a very pissed off Cyborg ready to take all her weight cut woes out on Lina. She’s also going to want to make a statement with this fight to drum up interest in a Ronda Rousey fight. In short, she’ll be hungry both literally and figuratively, and Lina Lansberg is gonna be on the receiving end of a first round beatdown.

Performance of the Night

Jessica: Cyborg, Erick Silva

Jason: Cyborg, Roy Nelson

Jared: Nelson, Pepey

Bill: Cyborg, Nelson

Ryan: Cyborg, Erick Silva

Fight of the Night

Jessica: Formiga/Ortiz

Jason: Roy Nelson/Bigfoot

Jared: Felder/Trinaldo

Bill: Nelson/Bigfoot

Ryan: Pepey/ De La Torre

×