War Machine Made His Initial Appearance In Court, Claims War Machine Is ‘A Character’

Former UFC and Bellator fighter War Machine, formerly Jon Koppenhaver, finally stepped foot in a Las Vegas court on Wednesday following his brutal torture, beating and hospitalization of ex-girlfriend, porn star Christ Mack and the absurd manhunt that ensued as he fled police.

It was eventful. War Machine is being held without bail and is now facing a slew of new charges, including allegations of attempted murder and sexual assault, dating back to May of 2013. If you’ve read the police report, you’ll know why courts need to know EVERYTHING he did, and how often he did it.

The reaction from War Machine’s law team after the appearance was predictably, hilariously infuriating:

Outside the courtroom, Koppenhaver’s lawyer, Brandon Sua, said Koppenhaver had legally changed his name to War Machine to avoid a lawsuit, “and nothing more than that,” though he intended to go by Koppenhaver in court.

“The public, as well as the people, will understand that War Machine is a character,” Sua said. “He is an MMA fighter. He is controversial. And people need to understand where to draw that line from his character as War Machine and a person as Jon Koppenhaver, because that’s who he is.” (via Review Journal)

1. Yes, mild-mannered Jon Koppenhaver changed his name to ‘War Machine’ because of his expert understanding of legal loopholes, and not because he’s the type of guy who punches himself in the face to avoid killing The Internet and thinks the oppression of Alpha Males is worse than the Holocaust or slavery.

2. Was it Koppenhaver or his fictional War Machine Character that joked about raping his girlfriend, called us assholes for not having a sense of humor and then actually tried to rape her when he got mad? Was that part of his branding? Did he assault multiple women because that’s what the media thinks an MMA fighter does?

We’ll keep you updated on further doublespeak and War Machine courtroom appearances. Hopefully they’re just, “he’s still in a dark, tiny, locked place by himself and not trying to kill anyone.”