Wayne Rooney Will Fight the Internet in Real Life

Google Analytics drives me insane. Instead of just writing jokes and posting pictures of girls, I find myself hunched over a desk, trying to figure out where the words should go for maximum SEO compliance. I study my own tendencies. For example, I use the phrase “In a story that ___” a lot. I also only seem to write about soccer and people running their mouth on Twitter.

So! In a story that brings together my two favorite sports-o-sphere topics, irrepresible bald-boy Wayne Rooney is challenging anonymous Internet soccer fans to fights in real life on Twitter. The issues began when “sam-oldham-LFC” (who may or may not be Chaucer) wrote:

Rooney ya fat whore ill smash ya head in with a pitchin wedge an bury ya with a ballast fork ya fat ugly lil nonse

After cross-referencing the index page and a few international urban dictionaries I’ve deduced that this means “I will beat you up, jerk.” So Rooney reponds with:

haha u know were I train every day kid come and do it good luck

But then the guy says

snd ill be down tomorrow lad in me twin turbo nissan micra

because on the Internet, “I have a nice car!” is the only thing that trumps “say that to my face” in shadow pissing contests. Rooney has to trump that, so his threats become more specific, and dangerously close to what Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake might say before a SummerSlam.

I will put you asleep within 10 seconds hope u turn up if u don’t gonna tell everyone ur scared u little nit. I’ll be waiting.

All the fight needs now is somebody saying they’re too busy to show up to the fight because they’re having sex with their “hot girlfriend.” Of course, like all Twitter fights, this one devolved into Rooney saying “heh I’m not internet fighting with anybody, I’m calm, HE’S the one who is upset!” and then randomly sh*t-talking celebrities.

I will, however, be keeping an eye on my Wayne Rooney’s gym streaming webcam.