As we grow more impatient and tiresome of this NBA lockout, I’m going to offer a promise – no more stories about Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian after today. I will not bring up the fact that Kris Jenners, Humphries’ new manager, is trying to make her three daughters all get pregnant at the same time. But I do say “after today” because I can’t not bring up the low-flying tabloid story about Humphries’ in-flight encounter last Sunday.
In a story that has to be complete fiction but somehow apparently isn’t, Humphries was flying from Los Angeles to New Orleans and seated right next to him in first class was none other than Ray J. For those of you lucky enough to have been in a coma for the past 5 years, Ray J is better known as Brandy’s rapping brother and the guy who made a sex tape with Humphries’ new wife.
Awk. Ward.
After minutes of “awkward silence,” Ray J walked up to Humphries’ seat to congratulate him, but Kris acted like he didn’t recognize him. According to a source, “Ray J said, ‘Come on, you know who I am. I just want to say congratulations.’ Then Kris, realizing he was cornered, said, ‘Oh yeah, yeah, I’m sorry I know who you are.’ ” (Via the New York Post)
Ray J also allegedly texted Kim on her wedding day: “And to think you really have me to thank for all this.” Now he has the balls to walk up to Humphries and say, “You know who I am?” How the hell are these guys even on the same flight? There are coincidences and then there are nightmares. I’ve attended an ex-girlfriend’s wedding before. That’s pretty awkward. This doesn’t even have a proper word.
But if it’s being reported that it happened, I want to at least address it in a new feature… We Like to Think It Happened Like This.
INT. – Airplane first class seats. Night. The flight is experiencing turbulence from a storm.
Kris Humphries is sleeping, but suddenly awakens from a nightmare, startled.
Stewardess: “Sir, are you all right? You seem stirred.”
Kris: “Uh yeah, I’m fine. I just need a hot towel, that’s all.”
The stewardess hands Kris a towel and he washes his face.
Voice: “Bothered by travel?”
Kris (looking up from his towel): “Huh? No. Sorry, I just had a nightmare.”
Voice: “Then perhaps you’re bothered by love.”
Kris (looking around): “I’m sorry, do I know you?”
The man in the adjacent aisle seat sets down his copy of the New York Times and removes his monocle.
Ray J: “Don’t you know me, friend? Perhaps a little too well.”
Kris (startled, looks away): “No… no, I’m sorry, I don’t recognize you, sir. Now if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to memorizing my itinerary. *mumbles* Stop by E! News… Appear on HSN’s celebrity thumb rings spectacular… Sign autographs at Ed Hardy outlet…”
Ray J: “You don’t have to hold any ill will toward me, Kristof. For I am just a man, not unlike you. Yes, I have experienced the sensual intricacies of your new bride’s flesh, and I as well have explored her uncharted labial caverns.”
Kris (angered): “You watch your mouth, you scoundrel.”
Ray J: “Relax, comrade. I am not here to boast of my cervical conquests, good man. I, like you, am simply traveling to the Big Easy… for the second time.”
Ray J laughs maniacally as Kris jumps from his seat.
Kris: “I will warn you one more time to watch your tone with me, you insolent pest.”
Ray J: “Please, this is no place for violence. I ask that you be the bigger man. After all, there’s a first time for everything.”
Ray J laughs again, and Kris grabs him by the shirt and lifts him out of his seat.
Kris: “I warned you, you unkempt buffoon. Now I will punish you with pure brawn.”
Ray J (yelling): “Help! Steward, this man is accosting me!”
A male flight attendant runs over and separates the two.
Flight attendant (to Kris): “Sir, I am warning you to sit down and leave this man alone or we will have no choice but to turn you over to the police when we land.”
Kris: “Fine, but I will no longer sit near this juvenile malcontent and his childish attempts to ruffle my feathers.”
Kris sits in the seat in front of Ray J.
Ray J (to the flight attendant): “While you’re here, can you direct me to the lavatory?”
Flight attendant: “Yes sir, follow me.”
Ray J: “Oh baby, I’m gonna cummmmmmm!”
Kris (jumps from his seat): “What did you say?!?!”
Ray J: “I said I am going to come with you to the bathroom. You may want to seek therapy for your violent tendencies.”
Kris moves to the window seat and stares outside at the storm. He begins to drift off to sleep again, but is startled as Ray J returns and kicks his chair.
Ray J: “You know, old boy, it’s not like I am the only man who has ordered a drink from your lady’s wet bar.”
Kris ignores Ray J’s taunts by looking out the window. Suddenly, he sees some sort of monster on the wing.
Kris (frantic): “Stewardess! There’s someone on the wing! THERE’S SOMEONE ON THE WING!”
The monster presses its face up against the window, causing Kris to stand up and scream.
Kris: “SOMEONE PLEASE! THERE’S A MONSTER ON THE WING! HE’S GOING TO DESTROY THE PLANE! HE’S GOING TO SLEEP WITH MY WIFE!”
The flight crew runs over to calm him.
Stewardess: “Sir, you must take your seat and calm down, you are frightening the passengers!”
Kris: “I can’t take it anymore, he’s driving me mad!”
Stewardess: “Who is driving you mad, sir?”
Kris: “The monster on the wing!”
Kris points outside. There is nobody on the wing.
Kris: “This… this is all his fault.”
Stewardess: “Whose fault, sir?”
Kris: “The man sitting behind me.”
Stewardess (pointing): “Which man, sir?”
Kris turns around…
Kris: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Soon after, the plane lands in New Orleans and Kris is taken into custody by local police. Twice a year his ex-wife visits him. Later, those visits turn to letters. The letters to faint whispers. The whispers to his own, dullard voice.
The end.
