We Like To Think It Happened Like This: Tiger Woods Took The High Road To Victory

Senior Writer
11.22.11 2 Comments

Deal with it.

The 2011 Presidents Cup came and went without much fanfare, mainly because the U.S. rules while the rest of the world drools. To be fair, that’s the rest of the world without Europe, because the motherland’s best golfers save their efforts for the Ryder Cup, at which the U.S. does the bulk of the sucking. But this weekend’s win improved the American team’s record at the Presidents Cup to 7-1-1, and the hubbub surrounding this year’s W is all about Tiger Woods.
First off, U.S. captain Fred Couples received a lot criticism for choosing Woods over PGA champion Keegan Bradley. Couples, though, reminded everyone that Woods will always be the best golfer in the world to him, so he was banking on that guy showing up. And though Woods accounted for just 2 of America’s 19 points, he did give the best performance of the event in his singles match on Sunday, so of course Couples is doing a little air humping.

“A lot of people have asked why I picked him and how he was going to play,” Couples said. “Certainly I couldn’t answer how he was going to play, but this week I think he showed to himself that his swing is back and he’s healthy. And that’s more important to me. Obviously, we want to win the cup. But it’s more important for me to have people realize that he can play the game.”
(Via the Washington Post)

As for the critics, international captain Greg Norman was among the first to say that Couples made a mistake by selecting Woods. How about chasing those words with a piss warm Foster’s, mate?

“He stepped up to the plate. He putted extremely well,” Norman said. “Any player hates to see another great player struggle, because we all know what it’s like to go through the ins and outs of the game. At the end of the day, you want to see the player who has dominated the game come back.”

It’s nice to see Woods earning some praise and smiling again, even though he’s a wretched man whore, but his ex-wife has moved on to another billionaire, so we should, too. So I thought we’d have some fun with the most dominant plotline of the Presidents Cup – Woods’ former caddy, Steve Williams, who caused a stir with a racy comment about his former boss after he caddied Adam Scott’s win at the Bridgestone Invitational.

That was the day Williams said it was “the best win of his life,” despite being on the bag with Woods for 13 majors.
At an awards party filled with banter, Williams said of his interview, “It was my aim to shove it right up that black asshole.”

Woods eventually said it was no big deal and he knows that Williams isn’t racist, but playing in this sort of competitive environment with that statement lingering must have made for a pretty intense and awkward situation… and I like to think it happened a little bit like this.
Steve Williams: “Hey guys, how does every black joke start?”
Williams: “HEY TIGER! Put ‘er there… SIKE!”
Williams: “But seriously, Tiger, how the f*ck are ya? You’re not all pissed about that whole shoving it up your black browneye thing, are ya?”
Tiger Woods: “My name is… ELDRICK.”
Williams: “Tiger, you’re hurting my hand.
Williams: “I assume it’s because black people are born with an extra muscle in their hands.”
Williams: “Hey, you know what the most confusing day in Harlem is? Father’s Day!”
Adam Scott: “Not cool, dude.”
Williams: “What did the black kid get for Christmas? Your bike!”
Scott: “Seriously, you need to stop, Steve.”
John Travolta: “I’m really disappointed in you, Steve.”
Williams: “A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. ‘Wow,’ says the bartender. ‘That is really something. Where did you get it?’ ‘Africa,’ says the parrot.”
Scott: “That’s it, I’m out of here.”
“Looks like the black kid got your sense of humor, too.”
“What do you call a black guy who goes to college? A running back!”
Williams: “yousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuck…”
“Come on, man. We can do this. We’re still the best golfer in the world. Sure, the rest of the U.S. team already locked this thing up, but I can still A-Rod the sh*t out of this singles match and make it look like I really contributed.”
“All right, we got this. Shot of the year coming right here, and then I’m going to wave to everyone and pretend like I haven’t aged like a U.S. President.”
“Now pose…”
“Yes! People love me again! I’m the greatest golfer in the world and it’s like I never had sex with a waitress from Perkins!”
Woods: “Thank you, Fred, you never lost faith in me and I owe you everything for this resurgence in my popularity!”
Fred Couples: “Cool, could you maybe stop banging my daughters now?”
Woods: “Haha no!”
“Thank you, guy I played golf with!”
“My people! You love me again! I am your god once more and you shall shower me with all of your adoration and worship!”
“Aw yeah, bitches! Stone cold poon slayer in tha mutha f*ckin’ house! Where them Aussie bitches is at?”
“So do you guys all have dibs or how does this work?”
“Dude, we should all just put our keys in this and see what happens.”
Williams: “How do you hide something from a black man? Put it in a book.”
Scott: “I seriously hate you, Steve.”

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