Who On Earth Is Bret Lockett?

Senior Writer
06.09.11 7 Comments

In Touch magazine is “reporting” that New England Patriots “star” linebacker Bret Lockett is having an affair with Kim Kardashian, who recently said yes when New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries offered her the ring that E! bought. As an avid football fan, I can honestly say I’ve never heard of Lockett and I asked a few of my Pats friends and they had no clue who he is either. That’s because in two seasons since he was an undrafted free agent signed by the Cleveland Browns, he has 7 tackles. So yeah, In Touch, he’s a huge star.

A “friend” close to Lockett claims that he and Kardashian have had graphic sexting sessions recently even though she’s been dating Humphries, and if there’s one thing that we can all agree on it’s that a reality TV star whose rise to fame was instigated by the release of a sex tape that she made with an F-list rapper is always monogamous. The ladies at Jezebel did the dirty work of posting the alleged conversation between Lockett and Kardashian so I didn’t have to shame my family by opening an issue of In Touch. Brace yourselves, because it’s so hot that my pants melted.

Kim: Mr
Bret: Yes Miss
Kim: How are you doll?
Bret: I’m good and you?
Kim: Why don’t you put in an effort and try and make me your girlfriend doll?
Bret: But don’t ask for something your[sic] not ready for
Kim: I’m sure I’m ready
Bret: What’s your schedule looking like the next few weeks? I want to see you
Kim: I’m free Mon after 11, then I’m kinda busy after. You should send me a SEXY picture
Bret: What are you doing the 19th to the 22nd?
Bret: What does Miss Kimmy want?
Kim: The picture
Bret: LOL. Your used to getting what you want, huh?
Kim: Yes so. I want it.

So apparently Kardashian wanted a picture of Lockett’s junk, if that was an actual conversation between the two. Kardashian claims that she’s going to sue In Touch and Lockett for making this all up, and it makes sense because according to Lockett’s Twitter, which I’m not linking because the jackass uses a white font on a white background so you have to highlight everything, he isn’t just a linebacker who never plays. He’s also an “Athlete/Entertainer/Business Mogul/Philanthropist CEO of Inception Entertainment AKA #TTP The Total Package”. But Lockett contends that he is telling the truth and has rock solid proof that they hooked up. I assume it’s a giant ass dent in his mattress.

And it gets even better. Here’s his video for his single, “Let’s Go”:

How could Kardashian – or any woman for that matter – not get moist listening to these lines? Dude just wants to get laid. He wants to bang a girl in the coliseum and then show her the animals of Zimbabwe. That’s true romance right there – sex and then a trip to the zoo.

But looking at this from a football perspective, I know what’s really going on here. The guy barely ever plays but Bill Belichik probably created this Kardashian rumor so people take notice of him and teams will want to trade draft picks for him. It’s downright diabolical.

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