Welcome to another installment of Wild Card Wednesday, as I try to cram together all of the awesome, random things that we’ve been missing out on in favor of the big stories and half-naked Marisa Miller…
At some point on Sunday, Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub hurt his foot and now it looks like his season is over. I’m sure that the Texans won’t completely give up on Schaub until a doctor does something cool and drastic like slam his glasses down and yell, “Damn it, I’m not God!” In the meantime, the second coming of Matt Leinart is upon us, and somewhere there’s a Jacuzzi not being boned in.
Last night, Houston tight end James Casey Tweeted the above image of a local Hooters showing support for the new QB. Unfortunately, after calling the Hooters, I learned that they ran out of space and it should have read: “Hey Leinart, we believe you gave us all gonorrhea.” OK, I may have made that up. But would you bet against it?
I’ve got my fingers crossed for you, Texans fans. God knows this would be my response to losing Schaub…
ESPN analyst and legendary angry dude Bob Knight congratulated his most prized pupil, Duke coach Mike Krzykewski, after he became the all-time winningest coach in NCAA men’s basketball history last night with his 903rd career win. Coach K spent the rest of the night reviewing the personal lives of every assistant coach he has ever employed.
Knight also raised a few eyebrows, as people wondered if he was drinking beer at the analyst table. I’m surprised that people never wondered this before.
Shaquille O’Neal hit a Barnes & Noble in New York City to promote his new book, “Shaq Uncut: My Untold Story,” in which he throws everyone he’s ever met under a bus before he telling the story of how he defeated the Moon God to save Empress Four Titties.
On Monday, Shaq teamed up with some U.S. soldiers to help out with their Toys for Tots campaign. Later, he told everyone how Kobe Bryant used to actually steal toys from children and give them to rich adults as presents.
God bless Joe Paterno, indeed. I read that he sold his house to his wife back in June for $1. He must have been really hard up for money, because I can’t think of any other reason in the world why someone would transfer his property to another person.
Speaking of Marisa Miller, she showed her support for veterans with this special Harley Davidson photo. She’s a nice person.
Even worse, their team name is the Fightin’ Crazy Bitches.
David and Victoria Beckham attended their son’s soccer practice in L.A. when they noticed the paparazzi did as well. I bet he gave them a piece of his mind. Or maybe he…
Put on a show!
Yeah, gotta lose that $6,000 sweater, Dave.
Aw, this family is full of love. And money. A sh*tload of money.
Aw damn it, who let Pitbull in here? Stupid Miami Marlins uniform release parties.
Here are the five Marlins players who weren’t traded last season debuting the team’s new uniforms. I don’t think they’re as bad as the rest of the Internet has made them out to be. They’ll be a lot uglier when Albert Pujols is wearing one, though.
Here’s the Marlins’ new stadium, already at capacity.
We take a quick break to appreciate my new favorite GIF.
Anna Kournikova was apparently told that she will not be asked back as a celebrity judge for the next season of “The Biggest Loser” after the other judges and contestants accused her of being too mean. She’s a hot, wealthy blonde. They should be happy she didn’t throw hot coffee at the fatties.
Czech soccer players threw their coach, Michal Bilek, in the air to celebrate their fifth consecutive trip to the European Championship, unlike when they throw the coach into a pit of starved children if they lose.
Hey boys, don’t forget about Zhou Lulu and the girls!
Oh hey, Gina Carano. I didn’t see you standing there at the UFC on Fox heavyweight championship. You look very nice.
And there’s Laura Prepon taking a break from literally nothing.
Super fan Mandy Moore! GRRRRRRRRR MY LOVE FOR UFC IS LIKE CANDY!!!
Those seats are reserved for Mickey Rourke’s cockatoos.
I have never known what Sophie Monk does nor have I cared.
Tito Ortiz and his pet leather duck.
Finally, it’s a goat on a surfboard. Why? BECAUSE IT’S A GOAT ON A SURFBOARD.