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02.02.12 6 years ago 14 Comments

Forget that I’m a Miami Dolphins fan and have a genetic predisposition to hating the New York Jets. Forget that I think that Kim Kardashian is the scourge of this Earth and the first horseman of the pop culture apocalypse. When “news” leaks of Mark Sanchez and Kardashian “secretly dating”, though, it’s like my perfect storm arrived and it’s raining orgasmic smiles.

The website Starberry Ice Cream, which I had never heard of until a friend sent me an email with the subject “Prepare to scream with joy” this morning, claims to have inside sources that know that Sanchez and Kardashian are having a sexual affair. This is important for one reason and one reason only: Sanchez was previously rumored to be dating Kate Upton and if he’s sleeping with Kardashian then he is cheating on Upton, and if that’s true… death penalty.

“Kim and Mark like to meet in hotels for dinner dates and “flings”, says the source. “Whenever Kim is in New York, they hang out. They are very careful with not being seen together, Mark is seeing someone!”

The source also tells us that Kim and Mark are planning a rendezvous this super bowl weekend.

“Kim’s just in it for the sex”, says an insider close to Kardashian. “She has her hopes set on a bigger “star” than Sanchez. But for now, he will do.”

I want this to be true. I NEED this to be true. Sanchez and Kardashian would make the world’s most perfect couple. They’re both famous for no reason. They’re overrated in every way imaginable and they should both be contestants on my new game show “I’m a Celebrity?” that features people throwing pee balloons at fame whores.

Seriously, I can’t think of a more perfect couple. OJ Simpson and Tonya Harding? Maybe. But Sanchez and Kardashian? That’s the kind of pairing you can set a watch to. *winds timer to 15 minutes*

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