You Know What Baseball's Missing? More Gay Kissing. Hey, That Rhymed

09.23.10 7 years ago 7 Comments

Apparently everyone is up in arms (and by everyone I mean one guy) over this David Whitley post on FanHouse. Whitley mentions an outing organized by a St. Louis-based non-profit group (to which he didn’t link…thanks, dick) that has asked to be featured on the “Kiss Cam,” and if you don’t know what the Kiss Cam is, just crawl back into your little hole in the sand. Winter’s coming!

But I wanted to make two points on this, or at least pretend to so that I have an excuse to post that awesome photoshop. First, kids are stupid. Sheltering them from what I would call “real life events” (profanity, sex, their parents getting gunned down behind a movie theatre) makes them more stupid. People like calling this a “normal childhood” or an “age of innocence.” Poppycock, I say. I would parade every gay sex act in front of your child if I could economically do so. Any “innocence” he has will be destroyed by the time he Googles “lemon party” anyway. [Editor’s note: DO NOT GOOGLE ‘LEMON PARTY’ EVER.]

I remember going to baseball games as a kid–and even as a young adult, wanting to get on that stupid video board than anything. And then I realized that the world didn’t revolve around me, and that little dream of mine died a sad little death. I think that was three weeks ago. Maybe four weeks ago.

Secondly, the Kiss Cam needs to be destroyed, much like Doc Brown’s Delorian in Back To The Future III. I don’t want to see it at all. Gay. Straight. Bi. Sell. Banish the whole damn thing. “Hey, you’re on TV! Pretend you and your wife aren’t having a huge fight about when to have kids!” F*ck you, Kiss Cam. I will molest my life partner at a time of my own choosing, thank you very much. Just remember to show those clapping hands when something important happens in the game, because I’m too stupid to figure that out for myself.

And I hate to sound passive here, but gay people being deprived of the chance to wave to themselves and each other on the JumboTron isn’t discrimination. Just because people don’t pull out the good china for activist groups doesn’t mean that they are hated. And…let’s be honest, if it’s a group hellbent on TV face time, it’s an activist group. The gays have a raw deal in this country right now, but they can make out on the concourse like the rest of us. And I’ll stare at them with the same disdain that I would any other hetero couple. It doesn’t get any more equal than that.

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