‘You’re Not Even A Man’: The Worst Things Ever Said About Jonah On ‘Veep’

Over the course of its four seasons, HBO’s Veep has become infamous for its devastatingly brilliant insults. Showrunner Armando Iannucci’s early works, The Thick of It and In the Loop, were harbingers of things to come, and his tongue has only gotten sharper on his American series.

While the hilarious cruelty flies thick and has many targets, no one is more derided than Jonah Ryan, the smarmy White House liaison turned Vice Presidential aide. Completely lacking in self-awareness and hated by all, Jonah often bears the brunt of his associates’ wrath. However, this is not a Jerry/Gary/Larry/Terry from Parks and Recreation situation; Jonah deserves any and all vitriol that comes his way. Such as…

“I don’t have time to ignore you.” — Amy Brookheimer

Amy often has to pick up the slack from her coworkers’ incompetence, so shutting down Jonah’s idiocy right away is key.

“What I’m saying, you f*cking ape, is that you are a useless waste of f*cking carbon. I’ve been trying to cynically use you, but you’re so f*cking low-rent, you can’t even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a f*ckload is not a nice restaurant.” — Dan Egan

Dan might be the most maniacal character on the entire show, and Jonah is often his target. No “friendship” is made in politics without a bottom line, which Jonah should have remembered during his brief bro stint with Dan.

“I redact your f*cking face.” — Mike McLintock

Mike constantly struggles with feeling impotent on Veep, and Jonah is the perfect foil to make him feel a modicum of power.

“It was an accident. Much like when Big Foot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you.” — Mike McLintock

Veep really takes the “let’s laugh at the tall guy” jokes and elevates them to the next level.

“How many times have you talked to the president today?” — Mike McLintock
“He actually spoke to me four times.” — Jonah Ryan
“And in each of those, did he say, ‘Someone get this freak the f*ck away from me’?” — Mike McLintock

While he was a White House liaison, Jonah’s constant peacocking about his connects often blew up in his face.

“You’re not even your mom’s favorite Jonah, Jonah.” — Amy Brookheimer

This twist on the classic “Your Mom” joke is to the point and cutting, much like Amy herself.

“What are you laughing at, Jolly Green Jizz Face?” — Selina Meyer

There have been plenty of bizarre descriptions of Jonah over the series run, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus sells it every single time.

“You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?” — Selina Meyer

Jonah’s innate ability to ruin things often leads viewers to wonder how he has managed to stay employed.

“Hey, Jonah, listen, settle something for me. You like to have sex and you like to travel? Then you can f*ck off.” — Selina Meyer

The sheer number of ways that the Veep has managed to tell Jonah to go f*ck himself is truly awe inspiring.

“Jonah, you’re not even a man.  You’re like an early draft of a man where they just sketched out a giant, mangled skeleton but they didn’t have time to add details like pigment or self-respect. You’re Frankenstein’s monster if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.” — Ed Webster

Sadly, Ed the tee-totalling Quaker has only shown up for a handful of episodes. In that short time, he has managed to eloquently cut Jonah down to size on a number of occasions.

“You guys, are we seriously going to let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?” — Catherine Meyer

After being the recipient of his unsettling come-ons, the vice president’s young daughter quickly joins the “We Hate Jonah” club.

“I was trying to use Jonah for information.” — Dan Egan
“That’s like trying to use a croissant as a f*cking dildo! … It doesn’t do the job and it makes a f*cking mess!” — Selina Meyer

This is truly one of the most hilariously brilliant analogies in television history.

“Go. Period. F*ck. Period. Yourself. Exclamation point!” — Selina Meyer

Once again, Jonah misreads the room and is the easiest target for Selena’s frustration.

“Go f*ck yourself, Jack and the Giant Freak-stalk. Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you stinking sh*t.” — Dan Egan

Jonah once again learns that any alliance with Dan is fleeting and prone to devastation. You’ll get them next time, Jonad.