With all the “hello Game of Thrones, goodbye The Walking Dead and Justified” commotion ’round these parts over the last few weeks, it’s been easy to forget, oh, one of the greatest dramas of all-time, Mad Men, is returning this Sunday with a two-hour premiere. “The Doorway” begins the show’s penultimate season, meaning we only have 26 hours left to spend with Don Draper, Peggy Olson, Sally Draper, Joan Holloway, and Roger Sterling.
A lot will happen in those 26 episodes, but there’s a lot that SHOULDN’T happen, too. Using TV Guide-like synopses, here are 15 plot developments Matthew Weiner should think twice about before using.
1. “Fed up with acting, Megan asks Don to give her money to open an all floppy hat emporium. He sighs.”
2. “Don and Peggy realize they’re made for one another, become the type of couple that call each other ‘baby’ and ‘honey pie’ in public, gross everyone out.”
3. “Bobby Draper speaks.”
4. “Roger Sterling bids farewell to his womanizing ways.”
5. “The SCDP gang agrees to never punch Pete Campbell again.”
6. “Peggy gets bored with this whole empowered woman thing, so she quits her new job…
…and stops drinking…
…and openly counting her money in public…
…and riding around on motorcycles…
…and goes back to her bowl cut days.”
7. “Sal returns to teach everyone about this killer Johnny Cakes recipe he picked up.”
8. “Betty makes friends with A Black.”
9. “Sally DOESN’T tell off her mom, DOESN’T run away from home, DOESN’T take acid, DOESN’T follow the Velvet Underground, DOES settle down with a man in the ‘burbs, beginning the cycle anew.”
10. “Nielsen participant Trudy Campbell watches nothing but CBS programming.”
11. “Joyce introduces Peggy to her best friend Hannah Horvath.”
12. “Viewers finally learn whether Don went to the toilet. Also, Ira’s a zombie now.”
13. “A crotchety old wizard saps the Mad Men gang of their ability to dance. Everyone dies.”
14. “Glen becomes an intern at SCDP so he can get to know his real father, Harry.”
15. “Everyone forgets about Chauncey.” OH WAIT, THAT’S ALREADY HAPPENING.