So, Fiber One Lady. I saw your commercial and couldn’t help noticing that you heard there was a fruity streusel bar being offered as a source of fiber. Upon hearing this news, you tossed your perfectly good baby carrot away as if it was a vial of measles. I’m assuming that you initially chose the carrot because it’s a natural and healthy source of fiber and you’re following a diet that doesn’t include a lot of processed garbage, so your thinking was pretty on point — until you heard about a streusel bar.
I’m going to take a moment to try to talk you out of this, unless it’s your cheat day. In which case, go ahead and ignore me. That’s what cheat days are for.
1. Five-second rule! Between the time you toss the carrot and the end of the commercial, less than five seconds have passed. Pick that carrot back up so you can eat it.
2. I think you’re missing the point. The whole point of eating something for its fiber — like that carrot you just tossed — is to maintain a healthy bodily ecosystem. In what world is processed cake going to do this for you? By getting all hot and bothered over this franken-streusel, you’re giving all of your good intentions the finger.
3. Do you not realize you could be holding the perfect baby carrot? Baby carrots are so great! For some of us, there are few things better than a perfectly crispy, subtly sweet baby carrot, especially when you’ve been biting into sub par carrots that might be a little bitter or dry. That carrot on the floor could be The One! There’s the ugly carrot, which is good luck, and the perfect carrot, which is wonderful!
4. Baby carrots are the perfect vehicle for hummus! Have you not heard about hummus? Coincidentally, hummus is also a great source of fiber and delicious! And there’s dessert hummus that tastes like cookie dough! Cookie dough!!
5. That Fiber One bar is a nasty-ass science experiment. Compared to the one-ingredient perfection of a baby carrot, your precious streusel bar has about five different kinds of sugar in it, plus the ubiquitous and mysterious “natural flavor” that could be Bigfoot’s dick. Do you want to risk eating “essence of Bigfoot’s dick”? I didn’t think so.
But mostly, if you went “dramatic chipmunk” and threw food when you heard about a freaking processed streusel bar, you might have a really weird vitamin deficiency. Eat that carrot and then get thee to a doctor.
