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All The Awkward Sex Moments On ‘Married’ That Couples Can Secretly Relate To

Every show has ideas that seem unrealistic. Married, however, is different: Even the most seemingly random, off-the-wall situations are far, far more realistic than you might think. For example…

The Accidental Porno Set Owner

Russ is deployed to cover for a playdate with the tiresome, tiresome Stacey. But he manages to get revenge by realizing Stacey’s home is a former porno set. Luckily, this happened in the ’90s and f*ck funk only stays in the wallpaper for a decade (science!).

Other homeowners are not so lucky. In fact, this is so common that even Beastie Boys have to deal with it. Come to think of it, it’d be weirder if Stacey’s house wasn’t used as a porno set and it would be surprising if you aren’t sitting in an abandoned porno set right now.

Sexting Advice

During one episode, Russ and Lina’s friend Jess helps her neighbor sext her husband in a bid to get him to pick up the phone. But the only thing that’s unrealistic about it is that Jess is there in person. You don’t have to go very far to find people hunting for some kind of pervy Cyrano to help them heat up the keyboard. And the idea that it could all go wrong? If anything, real life is worse: Just ask Marc Jacobs.

Shower Sex Gone Wrong

In the second episode, Russ picks exactly the wrong moment to attempt shower sex with Lina, namely, at a party, in somebody else’s house. On its face, that seems like a pretty selfish request and borderline insane, but he knows that Lina won’t be cold whilst shower time shtupping, thanks to the high-end shower head, and he only wants what is best for her. The sales pitch unfortunately isn’t super effective, but it’s probably for the best because it’s pretty common for shower sex to go hilariously wrong.

Phone Sex Going Even More Wrong

Russ gets a vasectomy during the first season, and has to contribute a semen sample to ensure his boys aren’t pulling off a jail break. This rapidly gets awkward when he calls Lina for phone sex, right as she’s about to hock their old baby things. It gets worse when they mutually discover his big sexual fantasy is getting her pregnant again.

As awkward as discovering this fantasy may sound, especially over the phone, it could be a lot worse. Just… trust us on that.

Going Twilight

In the pilot, Russ makes a desperation play to get Lina hot between the sheets by dressing up like a sparkly vampire. Some couples, though, take it a bit further; like, say, getting remarried and changing their last names to Cullen. All Russ has to do is fake an accent, even if he did turn into a Canadian vampire. Hey, we all do weird things for the people we love.

To see what else might be amusingly close to reality, check out the second season of Married, premiering July 16 at 10:30 p.m. on FX.

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