TV

Jon Stamos Will Host A Show About Losing One’s Virginity, So Let’s Reflect On TV Characters Losing Their Virginity

Fox’s New Girl has been going to the flashback well with increasing regularity throughout this season, the show’s second. That’s not a bad thing: Fat Schmidt is wonderful, as is Puka Shell Necklace Nick Miller, who I’m guessing was really into Blues Traveler and thinks the Spin Doctors are underrated. Tonight’s episode continues the trend, with each of the characters, including Jess, Winston, and Cece, explaining how they lost their virginity.

In honor of “Virgins” — and the fantastic sounding web series, Losing Your Virginity With John Stamos (I wonder how Joey Gladstone lost his…?) — let’s look at how some of TV’s greatest characters had sex for the first time.

Ron Swanson and Tammy One (Parks and Recreation)

Tammy I has been with Ron his entire life. Literally. She delivered him as a baby, was one of his teachers, and even took his virginity. No wonder she feels so possessive towards her, i.e. threw acid at Tammy II.

Willow and Oz (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Angel(us) bedding Buffy in “Surprise” gets most of the attention, but another character lost their virginity in an equally important episode. “Graduation Day, Part I” has the Scooby Gang preparing to slay the mayor before he turns into a snake (it makes sense in context, kind of), and apparently “preparing” means Willow getting her freak on with Oz, a werewolf. Been there.

Rory and Dean (Gilmore Girls)

Ugh, DEAN. MARRIED DEAN. MARRIED TO LINDSAY DEAN. Just “nope” all around.

Cassie and Sid (Skins)

Gilly…? Skins is an entire show about teens having sex, for everyone except poor ol’ Sid. At least until he falls for Cassie, even though he’s really in love with Michelle, but actually REALLY loves Cassie. Sam’s gonna be pissed.

Seth and Summer (The O.C.)

Seth created a special mix for Summer that loops the “come on” ending of “Transatlanticism” endlessly. Incentive.

Jeff and ??? (Freaks and Geeks)

Like any sad former-hippie who’s now working as a guidance counselor, Jeff had sex for the first time in the back of a van on his way to Woodstock with some unknown woman. “Yeah…woman….*cranks “Truckin'”*

Donna and Eric (That ’70s Show)

It happened at a Midge and Bob’s second wedding, and it was awkward and not sexy at all. Sounds ’bout right.

Jessica and Hoyt (True Blood)

In which we learned, in graphic terms, that vampire hymens regenerate, so technically, Jessica and all virginal female vampires will forever remain a virgin. Much bro high-fiving ensues.

Lisa and Milhouse (The Simpsons)

“Lisa, I can’t believe it’s your wedding day already.” “Mom, I feel kind of funny wearing white. I mean…Milhouse.” “Oh, Milhouse doesn’t count.” Nothing’s coming up Milhouse.

Meg and Jimmy (Family Guy)

…it’s like the time Meg Griffin had sex with Jimmy Fallon on live TV. Did Leno ever do that?

Julie and Matt (Friday Night Lights)

Julie and Matt nearly took each other’s virginity in season one’s fantastic “I Think We Should Have Sex,” but at the last moment, they decided the moment wasn’t right. (Do people in real life say that?) You know what else isn’t right? Matt losing his v-card to his grandmother’s at-home nurse in season two. Stupid season two. Anyway, Julie and Matt’s relationship, and FNL, improved in season three, and they made love next to a campfire. Aw.

Annie and ??? (Community)

All we know is that Annie had sex with ??? during high school on the floor of his walk-in closet to Madonna’s Erotica, and that he wasn’t me. Or was he? No, he was not.

Cliff and Sheila (Cheers)

It’s implied throughout the entire run of Cheers that Cliff is a virgin. In fact, we don’t get a clear answer until a season one episode of Frasier, in which Sam reveals that everyone’s favorite drunk mailman bedded his fiance, Sheila, played by Tea Leoni. It’s all downhill from there, Cliffy.

Paul and Beth (The Wonder Years)

Reason #23,942 why Paul is better than Kevin: he wouldn’t have blabbed about his best friend losing his virginity.

Liz and Unknown Clown (30 Rock)

“It” happened to Liz when she was 25 years old, in the makeup room of a clown academy. Heh, clowns are funny.

Cory and Topanga (Boy Meets World)

Cory and Topanga don’t have sex for the first time until season seven’s “The Honeymooners.” (Or as the Boy Meets World Wiki puts it, “As soon as he and Topanga arrive on their island honeymoon, they waste no time in doing the deed.”) How could she resist this?

George and Miss Stafford (Seinfeld)

How does George remember The Big Race, the one from high school that Jerry’s still pissed off about because he believes his rival Duncan Meyer cheated? Because that’s the day he lost his virginity to Miss Stafford, the the voluptuous homeroom teacher. She just came up from behind him while he was erasing the blackboard.

Ned and Unknown (Pushing Daisies)

There are entire sections of the Internet dedicated to whether it’s possible for Ned to have sex, or if he’d instantly kill whomever the (un)lucky girl is. Apparently, though, he can: in “Smell of Success,” he makes references to having had “intimate relations on a bearskin rug” with someone. While Digby watched, I bet. That pervert.

Podrick and Three Lucky Ladies (Game of Thrones)

With a professional contortionist named Pixie Le Knot, no less.

Ryan and Shanna (Virgin Diaries)

Never forget.

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