A California Town Has Politely Asked Its Residents To Stop Whipping Flaming Marshmallows At Each Other

06.20.14 12 Comments

The town of Ocean Beach, California has a longstanding Fourth of July tradition called the Marshmallow War, in which its residents celebrate our nation’s independence by heading to the beach and hucking marshmallows at each other. Or rather, the town of Ocean Beach, California had a longstanding July 4th tradition called the Marshmallow War, because the city council has called for a ceasefire in a new campaign called “Mallow Out.”

“But why?” you ask. “Why would they put an end to such a fun-sounding little tradition?”

Excellent question. The answer, obviously, is because people have armed themselves with marshmallow guns and started throwing flaming marshmallows at police officers.

The marshmallow war began 25 years ago as a fun, family affair on the beach. In recent years, the crowds have grown and so have aggressive behaviors, making many OB residents concerned for their safety.

“Some people freeze marshmallows. They’ll light them on fire. There’s marshmallow guns and you can fire them at high speeds,” said Steve Grosch, a member of the Ocean Beach Town Council.

“Last couple of years, I’ve seen people throw the marshmallows at police officers and people,” said OB resident, Gilbert Cruz.

Also, goo.

“Gooey mess left by the marshmallows is impossible to clean on the sidewalk. You can’t steam clean it. It breaks down all the power washers. The machines can’t take it… Residents of Ocean Beach and volunteers coming [are] down on their hands and knees and scraping marshmallow goo off of the sidewalk,” Grosch said.

“But wait,” you say. “How the hell do they plan to enforce this marshmallow detente?”

I’m very glad you asked. Because the answer is WITH TYRANNY.

The council is also looking for volunteers to be peace patrol officers. They will be in charge of looking out and confiscating marshmallows they see leading up to the fireworks show.

Marshmallow control will never work. Everyone knows the only way to stop a bad guy with a marshmallow gun is with a good guy with a marshmallow gun.

Source: Fox 5 San Diego

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