Despite being a self-proclaimed “sad fat man,” Louis C.K. has done pretty well for himself in the romantic department. As has the character he plays on Louie, which mercifully returns to FX after a too-long break next Monday, May 5th. (I’ve seen the first two episodes, and don’t worry, despite the hiatus, it’s as good, if weirder, than ever.) As a refresher, let’s take a look at all of Louie’s romantic partners, or women (and one man!) he wishes he was romantically involved with, over the past three seasons.
“Pilot” — Naked Woman (Kathleen Butler)
Louie’s a pig for looking at this vulnerable woman’s on-display boobs.
“Pilot” — Date (Chelsea Peretti)
The coffee-cranker makes a perfect escape from the date from hell: she flies away in a helicopter.
“Poker/Divorce” — Young Tammy (Nicole Ehinger)
She was the “hot sh*t” high school babe; he was the “funny looking” ginger dork.
“Poker/Divorce” — Tammy (Kim Barlow)
And now she looks like this.
“So Old/Playdate” — Trisha (Elisabeth Hower)
This 26-year-old likes ’em old. The looser, the drier, the smellier, the better.
“So Old/Playdate” — Pamela (Pamela Adlon)
The first of many appearances for the female Louie.
“Travel Day/South” — Doreen (Elizabeth Morton)
She’s a BIG FAN of Louie’s. Just ask her creepy, gun-wielding brother.
“Double Date/Mom” — Jasmine (Ana Kayne)
Louie and his mom’s wife (yeah, that’s right) share a weirdly flirtatious look. It’s upsetting.
“Bully” — Sandra (Amy Landecker)
Louie and Sandra share a cup of piss with sh*t floating in it before he gets embarrassed by YOUTHS.
“Dentist/Tarese” — Tarese (Adepero Oduye)
“Suck a dick, son.” Louie follows Tarese home. He doesn’t get what he wants.
“Dentist/Tarese” — Tarese’s Sister (Bonita Elery)
But he does from Tarese’s sister.
“Gym” — Anchorwoman (Kate Gilligan)
Louie fantasizes about asking to have sex with a dirty news anchor who talks like his daughter.
“Night Out” — Lisa (Kelly Deadmon)
Their date was going great, until Louie revealed he has two kids. “That’s kind of a bummer.”
“Bummer/Blueberries” — Janice (Kelly McCrann)
Janice goes out with Louie because “he could be someone at some point.” Then a bum gets hit by a truck.
“Bummer/Blueberries” — Delores (Maria Dizzia)
A night of safe and discreet lubricated sex ends with spanking and a bowl of blueberries.
“Joan” — Joan (Joan Rivers)
If you ever hook up with Joan Rivers, don’t tell Melissa. She still thinks her mom’s a virgin.
“Subway/Pamela” — Elegant Blonde Woman (Ashley Beach)
For cleaning up an anonymous pile of liquid, a gorgeous woman goes down on Louie. In his imagination.
“Oh, Louie/Tickets” — Jennifer (Heidi Armbruster)
“The table’s right there.” “I’m leaving you.” Louie’s fake sitcom wife fails to see the humor.
“Come On, God” — Ellen (Liz Holtan)
Ellen, sweet God-loving girl that she is, is ready to give that old comedian/masturbator a shot.
“Come On, God” — Elevator Woman (Angela Gould)
“Can you, like, just stick a whole bag of dicks in there?”
“Duckling” — Cheerleader (Ashton Landgraf)
She hasn’t heard of Aerosmith, but she’s a big fan of Steven Tyler’s work on American Idol.
“New Jersey/Airport” — Eunice (Jenn Lyon)
Eunice wants to show Louie her p*ssy, but only at her house…in New Jersey. *shudder*
“Something Is Wrong” — April (Gaby Hoffmann)
Louie’s too much of a coward to break up with April. So she does it herself.
“Something Is Wrong” — Janet (Susan Kelechi Watson)
The wife lucky enough to become an ex-wife.
“Telling Jokes/Set Up” — Laurie (Melissa Leo)
Melissa Leo is who you cast when you want an insane woman who makes her date lick her p*ssy.
“Miami” — Ramon (Miguel Gomez)
Not a woman, but MAAAAAKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEE OOOOOUUUTTTTTT.
“Daddy’s Girlfriend Part 1” — Maria (Maria Bamford)
Maria has no interest in meeting Louie’s kids. She’s interested in that *points at penis*.
“Daddy’s Girlfriend Part 1” — Liz (Parker Posey)
“Looking for Liz/Lilly Changes” — Jeanie (Chloë Sevigny)
She helps Louie track down Liz. Louie helps Liz get off in a coffee shop.