Alison Brie Somehow Even Cooler Now

05.06.10 9 years ago 19 Comments

I originally saw this Nerve article by Alison Brie a few days ago, but for some reason I was led to believe that it wasn’t a new article, even though it’s clearly dated May 4th, 2010. Give me a break, I’ve been taking a lot of Percocet for my shoulder. And whiskey for my… uh, habit.

ANYWAY, the point is this: Alison Brie is, how do you say, a bit of a “free spirit”? That’s the term we use when we want to compliment sluts, right? Here’s a sample:

I went to art school… In my case, the first year there was fraught with exploration… I learned that pretty much anyone would have sex with me. This at first I thought was because I was “so talented” or “so creative.” Later, of course, I realized I was just easy. So I capitalized on it.

Exploring my newfound sexuality, there was, of course, the girl-on-girl action, the crazy threesome with the afros and whips, and the surreal ‘shrooms experience where I thought the tree was fondling me but it turned out to be my creepy male roommate with calluses on his hands… gross. You get the picture. I developed this (possibly misplaced) sexual pride, based solely on the quantity of penetrations of my vagina.

That’s the good part. The whole story is about her having sex with a gay male friend, which is also entertaining (and quite funny). And… kind of infuriating, now that I think about it. How come some gay guy got to have sex with Alison Brie but not me? WTF? I can’t help but see that as an affront to my loyal service to the Marine Corps and my country during combat operations in Iraq. I demand sex with Alison Brie as reparations. C’mon, Alison, don’t you support the troops? OR DO YOU HATE AMERICA?

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