Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) — Taylor Swift should cover her eyes when she watches this one because Olivia Benson is taken hostage at gunpoint when she tries to thwart a violent home invasion.
American Horror Story: Hotel (FX, 10:00 p.m.) — And so it’s all come down to this. The staff of the Hotel Cortez gets all flustered that the spirits killing the guests might have a negative impact on the resort’s Yelp rating in the season five finale of American Horror Story.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX, 10:00 p.m.) — The gang invents a time machine, and by “invents a time machine” I mean that they take advantage of the fact that Frank thinks it’s 2006 after he hits his head falling out of a window. Hope they don’t spoil the end of The Prestige for him.
Criminal Minds (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — Aubrey Plaza makes a guest appearance on the season 11 winter premiere, in which she’s probably all “meh” about a rouse to take down a ring of professional hitmen.
The Middle (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) — Axl thinks he’s going to revolutionize the snack-food industry when he starts his internship at Little Betty, so imagine his surprise when he discovers that many internships are actually just brilliant schemes to underpay eager, inexperienced workers while they fetch coffee and get yelled at for stuff that probably wasn’t really even their fault.
American Idol (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) — It was the best of times, it was the worst of times … because it’s episode three of the auditions process for the 11th season of American Idol.
2 Broke Girls (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — Caroline’s grandmother wakes up from a coma, which means she’s lucky enough to not know about the family’s money scandal, or that we went ahead and made Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2.
Mysteries of Laura (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) — Believe it or not, Perfume Tycoon isn’t the name of a mid-’90s business simulation video game allowing users to build their own fragrance empires from the ground up. Instead, it’s just a victim whose death drives a wedge between Laura and Jake that’s only rivaled by their attempt to define their relationship.
The Goldbergs (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) — Beverly learns the hard way that if Scott Baio isn’t going to make an appearance at your Hands Across America event, then you shouldn’t tell everyone that Scott Baio is going to make an appearance at your Hands Across America event.
Mike & Molly (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) — Molly pushes a FitBit or whatever onto Mike, but Mike’s ingenuity proves no match for the device.
Code Black (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) — As if victims of the multi-vehicle accident didn’t have the staff dealing with enough stress, there’s a love triangle brewing and Malaya’s ex-girlfriend is admitted because she’s giving birth.
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) — While Phil’s off visiting Alex at school, the rest of the family seizes the opportunity to try to expedite the process of his ugly ducklings turning into magnificent swans to get ’em the hell out of the house.
Black-ish (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) — Dre’s not feelin’ Pops’ new squeeze, Ruby, and Junior familiarizes himself with both sides of the online dating coin.
Chicago PD (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) — Someone is using a powerful gas to knock people the hell out before they rob and violate them and it’s up to Voight and Co. to find the common thread.
Late Night Guests
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert — Paul Giamatti, Guerrilla Girls and J.B. Maundy
Conan — Patton Oswald, Zack Snyder and Highly Suspect
The Late Late Show With James Corden — Tim Robbins, America Ferrera and Adam DeVine
The Daily Show — Tavis Smiley and Sen. Rand Paul
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon — Danny DeVito, Khloe Kardashian and Colin Hay
Jimmy Kimmel Live — Chloë Grace Moretz, Josh Halloway and DJ Khaled featuring Future
Late Night With Seth Meyers — Ice Cube, Heather Graham and Kelsea Ballerina