‘The Americans’ Anxiety Report: Ben, You Two-Timing Scuzz

04.19.17 4 Comments


The Americans Anxiety Report is a weekly rundown of the people and things we are currently most worried about on the show. It will get weird, because many of the people and things we will be worrying about will be tools in a plot to ruin America, put in motion by another country. Blame the show for this, not us.

10. Henry (Last week: Same)

No Henry this week, which raised an interesting question: What do you think Henry was up to in all the time we didn’t see him? Stan seemed busy, so they weren’t hanging out, but Henry wasn’t home, either. I’ve got it narrowed down to two possibilities: One, Henry was on one of the Brady Bunch-style dates where he accidentally double-booked with two girls and has to try to zip back and forth between tables to keep up the ruse; two, he and a math nerd pal are in a garage inventing some sort of computer program. I hope it’s the second. I like picturing a world where Henry grows up to be a well-adjusted billionaire.

9. Assorted American bug scientists (Last week: Same)

Ben, you piece of trash. You two-timing Nepal-hiking lothario. We see you in Memphis, playing kissyface with that floozy. How many others are there? Tell me. Tell me, Ben. Do you cook Egyptian soup for them? Do you bore them with facts about the origins of lentils or whatever? Do you do tai chi with them, too? You’re sick. You sick bastard. Think of Brenda, who is, I guess, technically using you for information about your secret grain project, and has another lover herself, who is her real husband, and they’re both Russian spies who are currently inside that phone booth over there in disguises, because they followed you there to find out more about you as part of a mission that started with them murdering a guy named Randy, but still. Still, Ben. This deceit is unacceptable.

(Deirdre seems cool.)


8. Matthew (Last week: Not ranked)

Poor Matthew, man. Kid has no idea what he did wrong. And it’s even worse because he didn’t really even do anything wrong. They were just like a more star-crossed Romeo and Juliet, unable to be together and happy because of a situation their parents created. It sucks for both of them, because Paige knows why and it’s tearing her apart and because Matthew doesn’t and he must be so confused.

This will devastate Stan. We will get to him in a bit.

7. Renee (Last week: Not ranked)

So here’s the problem. I still don’t know what to make of Renee. Philip finally tried to get me an answer and was told he was crazy. Philip and I are not crazy, Gabriel! Something is up here. I still haven’t figured out what, but now Stan is out here spiraling at work and telling her about it in less vague terms, and she’s going to use it for… something. I don’t know what. My new theory is that she’s a CIA plant.

Or, like, again, maybe she’s just a nice lady who likes Stan, and Philip’s suspicions about her will cause him to do something stupid that causes huge problems between him and Stan, or bodily harm to Renee.

Or maybe she’s working with the mafia!

Lotta options.


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