Annie’s Boobs Makes More Money Than You

TV Guide has released their annual list of TV’s highest paid stars, and the usual suspects continue to bring in comically large(ly unearned) amounts of money. For dramas, NCIS‘ Mark Harmon is the top earner with $500,000 per episode, or $100,000 for every “YA THINK” retort, while, and please suppress the urge to punch your computer, “comedy” “person” Ashton Kutcher brings in $700,000 for every crude, unfunny 22 minute block of Two and a Half Men. But don’t worry, folks: Judge Judy trumps ’em both with $45 million/year.

And then there’s Annie’s Boobs, a.k.a. that monkey from Night at the Museum, a.k.a. that monkey from The Hangover Part II, a.k.a. that monkey from Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, a.k.a. Crystal the Monkey, who will earn $12,000 bananas per episode of Animal Practice, NBC’s totally racist new show (it’s a good thing one banana equals $1, or things would get confusing). Now that Crystal’s making it rain with mushed fruit fragments and her own feces on a nightly basis, does that mean she’s gotten too big for the Greendale vents? If so, I can think of one way the new Community showrunners could make up for her absence…

They wouldn’t even have to change the credits. That uppercase “B” becomes a lowercase “b” so easily.

Drama (per episode)
Mark Harmon (NCIS): $500,000
Ellen Pompeo (Grey’s Anatomy): $350,000
Kevin Bacon (The Following): $175,000
Lucy Liu (Elementary): $125,000
Stephen Amell (Arrow): $30,000

Comedy (per episode)
Ashton Kutcher (Two and a Half Men): $700,000
Kaley Cuoco (The Big Bang Theory): $300,000
Modern Family Adult Cast: $175,000 each
Lea Michele (Glee): $75,000
Crystal the Monkey (Animal Practice): $12,000

Late Night (per year)
David Letterman: $28 million
Jay Leno: $25 million
Jon Stewart: $16 million
Craig Ferguson: $8 million
Chelsea Handler: $8 million

Daytime/Syndication (per year)
Judy Sheindlin (Judge Judy): $45 million
Joe Brown (Judge Joe Brown): $20 million
Kelly Ripa (Live! With Kelly): $20 million
Sherri Shepherd (The View): $1.5 million
Mario Batali (The Chew): $6,000 per episode

Mariah Carey (American Idol): $17 million per season
Howard Stern (America’s Got Talent): $15 million per season
Pauly DelVecchio (Jersey Shore): $175,000 per episode
Betty White (Off Their Rockers): $50,000 per episode
Landry Family (Swamp People): $25,000 per episode

News (per year)
Matt Lauer (Today): $21.5 million
Bill O’Reilly (The O’Reilly Factor): $15 million
Diane Sawyer (ABC World News): $12 million
Anderson Cooper (Anderson Cooper 360 and Anderson Live): $11 million
Robin Meade (HLN anchor): $750,000 (Via)