‘Ash Vs. Evil Dead’ Gives America The Rude, Crude Presidential Campaign It Needs

Ash vs. Evil Dead will soon return for a blood-drenched second season, but in the meantime, our boomstick-toting hero is keeping himself busy with other things, like, say, running for president. The official poster for Ash vs. Evil Dead was surprisingly patriotic, and it turns out it was just the first step in a grand campaign to make America groovy again.

Over the past couple weeks, presidential candidate Ashley Williams has been releasing a series of campaign videos, and frankly, I find his ideas intriguing and wish to subscribe to his newsletter. Here he is announcing his campaign.

If Ash is elected, he’ll lift America’s purple mountain majesties and trim her fruited plains. Hey, sometimes a 240-year-old country needs a little TLC.

But Ash isn’t all boasting! Oh no, he also plans to build a wall to keep the Canadian bacon out. I don’t approve of the Canada bashing, but hey, more delicious, obviously superior Canadian bacon for us.

Ash is also in favor of gender equality, specifically when it comes to going topless. How progressive!

Pro-marijuana? You bet! You’ve gotta get the kids to vote somehow.

Usually a guy with a chainsaw arm who claims to be “Mitt Romney from the waist up, but is Barack Obama from the waist down” wouldn’t have a chance, but this year? He may be the best choice. Do what’s right, America, and hail to the chief, baby.

Ash vs. Evil Dead returns to Starz October 2.