Everything Went Very Smoothly On ‘Bachelor In Paradise’! (Everything Did Not Go Smoothly)

Because the Bachelor franchise is a many-headed hellbeast with a bottomless stomach that must constantly be fed with depictions of bathing-suit-clad singles looking for love and consuming alcohol, often at the same time and sometimes in a helicopter, ABC premiered the new season of Bachelor in Paradise last night, its free-swim version of the show where favorites and villains from previous seasons are dumped in a beachfront resort together, pointed in the general direction of the hot tub and bar, and encouraged to more or less run wild. What could possibly go wrong?

Everything could go wrong!

Or at least most things could go wrong, thanks mainly to the show’s decision to invite Chad, the extremely aggressive bro you might remember from the recently concluded episode of The Bachelorette, during which one fellow contestant — his friend! — asked him if he could try to be “less like Hitler” and oh dear God why did you invite Chad? (Trick question! The answer is this very post I am writing.)

Presented below, a quick rundown of Chad’s first evening on the show:

– Started drinking a lot and hooking up with Lace, a contestant from the most recent season of The Bachelor, whom you might remember for drinking a lot of wine, getting in arguments, and choosing to leave to go find herself.

– Started getting drunk and arguing with Lace, repeatedly calling her “b*tch” and saying things like “Only two things matter: girls and money.”

– Started getting, um, murder-y.

– Called Lace a very bad sexist word that was bleeped on the show and never discussed in non-bleeped terms (you can probably guess it, though), which caused Lace to end their very brief, very torrid fling.

– Tried to fight Daniel, his friend (the one who compared him to Hitler), when Daniel tried to get him to chill out a bit, which ended with Daniel telling America he would gladly punch a friend if he had to (“take him downtown to Chinatown,” to be specific).

– Said “F*ck that one-armed b*tch” to Sarah, the Season 17 contestant who was born with only the upper part of one of her arms.

– Told everyone, including the hotel staff, to S his D, repeatedly.

– Made multiple people cry.

– Passed out.

– Pooped his pants.

It all went from “haha” to “oh nooooooo” very quickly, to the point that by the time Chad was summoned to the Rose Palapa by host Chris Harrison and sent home it was more just uncomfortable and sad (although it was a little funny to see Chris Harrison make a very serious face and say “Come up into the Rose Palapa”), especially when he started shouting “I got nothing! I have nothing in my life” and cussing out Harrison for making him leave.

Luckily, the show appears to have learned its lesson and taken steps to keep Chad away from the set and away from alcohol while he’s a part of the production, no longer endangering its contestants and attempting to exploit their weaknesses for ratings and profi-…

Oh. Right.