ABC’s wine-soaked dating juggernaut has returned for a 20th season. If this math seems impossible, it’s because it kind of is, due mostly to a rapid-fire scheduling protocol that has allowed the network to squeeze in 19 seasons of the show since it premiered in 2002. It’s like that old showbiz saying, “Keep feeding the audience reality shows about people dating 25 strangers at once until they get physically sick, then swap the sexes and start over.”
This season stars 26-year-old Indiana native — and former Bachelorette contestant — Ben Higgins as the Bachelor. On Monday’s season premiere, he met the women who will be competing for his heart. It got… a little strange. One woman brought a horse. One gave him an impromptu dental exam. For love. Or something!
Here are some highlights.
I Mean, It Works For Dogs?
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Leah had a plan. It was a good plan. She exited the limousine carrying a football. She walked up to Ben. She turned around, bent over, presented her butt with the enthusiasm of a sommelier presenting a $3,000 bottle of wine, and snapped the ball between her legs to him. In a dress. On television. Within moments of meeting him. Leah is a master of seduction.
It’s also worth noting that a contestant carrying a football out of a limo and immediately sticking her butt in her hopefully soon-to-be husband’s face was not even close to the strangest entrance in the episode. You saw the picture at the top of this page. You see where this is heading. — Danger Guerrero
Caila Is Instantly The Most Terrifying Contestant
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Caila says that she believes in fate because she met her last boyfriend on a plane and then ran into him in the city two weeks later. But then she decided to throw it all away for a guy she saw get out of a limo on a television program once and now she’s on The Bachelor, so this must be, like, extra fate. Also, as she later points out: “Something really romantic that we have in common, is that we’re actually both in software sales!” Fate!
In her limo introduction, Caila gets out and immediately jumps into Ben’s arms, which made my husband yell at the screen, “Throw her away!” — Stacey Ritzen
Oh Good, The “Wacky” One
Mandi is a self-proclaimed “weird” girl and dentist from Oregon who is quick with innuendos about “oral exams.” When she steps out of the limo, Mandi is wearing a festive giant rose on her head (because he hands out roses, get it?) and her introduction line is: “I picked it out of my garden for you. Maybe if things go well, you can pollinate it,” which sounds like an actual line the Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall would use if she was a giant flower instead of a chicken.
Mandi later pounces on Ben the moment he walks in the house and tells him he needs to floss if they’re going to make out, as if anyone ever needed more of an excuse to forget to floss. — SR
“The First Time I Laid Eyes On Your Mother She Was Exiting A Limousine With A Unicorn Head On.”
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God bless you, JoJo. Not just for introducing yourself to Ben — and America — while wearing a unicorn mask, either. Although that was pretty wonderful. (Questions: Was she wearing it in the limo on the way over? Did she get picked up with it on? I know the answers to these are probably “No, she put it on just before she got out,” but let me dream.) Mostly, JoJo, bless you and your entire decision making process for causing this exchange:
JoJo: That was probably super frightening.
Ben: It’s not frightening. No. It’s, like… normal.
Great save, ding dong. — DG
Dumb Bachelor Doesn’t Understand Russian
All of the women seem to have some sort of gimmick when exiting the limo, and Shushsanna’s “gimmick” is that she speaks fluent Russian, which she demonstrates upon meeting Ben. It goes a little something like this:
Shushsanna: “Hi.”
Ben: “Yes.”
Shushsanna doesn’t speak English the entire episode, which raises the question of if she speaks English at all, yet a quick trip to her bio on The Bachelor website proves otherwise. Obviously this whole thing is an elaborate ruse to “surprise” Ben when it’s revealed that she does, in fact, speak English. Something something love doesn’t need a language. — SR
Obligatory Hoverboard Limo Entrance
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My internal monologue while watching Rachel enter on the hoverboard: “Please let her fall. Please let her fall. Please let her fall. Please let her fall. Please let her fall. Oh goddammit.” Although I have to say to her, “I’m on cloud nine, wanna join me?”… No, you’re on a scooter thing with wheels. It’s not anything like a cloud because it doesn’t actually hover. Also, you should probably charge that thing outside of the Bachelor mansion in case it catches fire because all of the fake hair extensions in there will make the place go up in one hell of a blaze. — SR
Let’s All Just Pretend It Was Lil Sebastian
Maegan, a self-professed cowgirl from Texas, showed up with a mini-horse. This is a great ice-breaker, because mini-horses are cool and adorable. Where it gets dicey, however, is the thing where now you’re stuck looking after a mini-horse inside a mansion filled with devious love-crazed schemers who are blasted on white wine. Think this through, Maegan! Bring a picture! Show a video! Bring more mini-horses to distract the competition! Come on.
Also, do… do you think anyone tried to get the mini-horse drunk? I bet Lace did. I know Lace did. We’ll get back to her. — DG
The Twins Don’t Seem To Think Incest Is Weird?
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I spent most of the episode confused as to whether or not Emily and Haley were considered two separate contestants or the same contestant. Because they seem to reiterate over and over that they’re not some kind of package deal. The arrangement is finally confirmed at the end of the episode when each twin got their own rose, which was hilarious in the way that he gave one twin a rose and then there was this suuuuuper long, dramatic pause, like maybe he wasn’t going to give the other twin a rose. Throughout the night, Emily and Haley keep reminding the audience in interviews that they have a leg up on the other contestants because there are two of them and “How can you beat that?” I don’t know, maybe by not insinuating incest? — SR
Lace Is A Champion
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Things Lace enjoys:
- Kissing.
- Drinking a lot of wine.
- Rolling her eyes.
- Talking trash.
- Drinking a lot of wine.
- Snooping.
- Saying things like “Who wants a f*cking virgin?”
- Drinking so much wine.
- Making good first impressions.
Lace is my favorite. — DG
Ben, What Are You Doing, Bud?
Ben’s first move after meeting two dozen grown-up women in formalwear who want to drink wine and try to woo him? You guessed it… call his parents with an update. Come on, guy. Get it together.
On second thought, wait. No. Don’t get it together. Keep doing that. After every date. And describe the events in a disquieting amount of detail. Put Lace on the phone. Start calls with “So, we were in the jacuzzi…” and then just go. It will be awkward and terrible for everyone but you, and I will love it. Let’s find a way to crank up the weirdness from a starting point of “football butt and unicorn mask.” I know we can do it. — DG
Olivia Gets The “First Impression” Rose
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Ben gives Olivia the “first impression” rose, which guarantees her immunity at the rose ceremony because he’s impressed that she gave up her job as a TV anchor to go on The Bachelor. Okay, think about what you’re saying here, Ben. Your first inclination is towards someone who gave up a promising career in television journalism on a whim to go chase some dude on reality TV? And that stands out as the most impressive trait among 25 women? Just so we’re on the same page here. — SR
The Braintrust
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Bringing in previous Bachelors to give him tips on kissing and dumping people was great because it was like The Avengers of boring white guys. I hope they start trying to solve crime. I am not joking. — DG
Can We Talk About How Ben Eliminated Clearly The Best Choice?
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Okay, the “Red Velvet” thing was a little bit weird, but hear me out, here. Redhead Laura was pretty and down to Earth and was one of the few contestants who actually seemed articulate and didn’t speak with some form of that nasally “ahhmahhgahh” valley girl affect. Also, she had a real job as an account executive and not like “Chicken Enthusiast” or “Cowgirl” or “Twin.”
Yeah… Never mind, she never stood a chance. — SR
