Big, Fat Series-Changing Secrets (And A Ghost) Revealed In This Week’s Powerful ‘Sons Of Anarchy’

How low to the ground did your jaw drop at the final scene of last night’s Sons of Anarchy, “John 8:32”? And how quickly did you jump onTO the Internet to piece your suspicions about homeless woman together? That was her eighth appearance over six seasons in Sons of Anarchy and we finally understand who she is. Kind of. We still don’t know if she’s real. If she’s a guardian angel. Or a ghost. Or, as Kurt Sutter has sarcastically suggested on a few occasions, “The Homeless Woman is Jesus Christ.”

More on her later, but right now, we’ve got some secrets to spill:

That’s Why You’re a Freak –Chucky Marstein is the single greatest fingerless, kazoo playing motherf**ker with a compulsive masturbation disorder to ever grace the small screen. I just needed to put that out there.

“Guy with the kazoo’s pretty interesting,”
“We found him in a basket on our doorstep.”

Sister Be Doing It With the Real Thing — District Attorney Patterson, who cut Nero loose last week after her conscience got the better of her when the father of a school-shooting victim took his own life, still isn’t giving up on SAMCRO. With her options dwindling, she decides to put a shadow on the MC and see what shakes out. Eli Roosevelt, however, goes all Unser and tips Jax off to the surveillance, because Eli Roosevelt plays by his own goddamn rules, thank you very much. The surveillance costs Jax the Stockton business with Dirty Robocop and Colette, who reappeared to deliver all of three lines this week before ducking out again, her one-night stand with Jax and Robocop’s jealousy over it still a lingering presence that Sutter may or may not pick back up on this season.

With that, and the knowledge that Patterson tried to turn Nero on the club (secret number one), Jax had had enough. After a vote, Jax went to the D.A. and offered her a deal that sounded similar to the deal he offered to Agent June Stahl several seasons ago: He’ll give up the Irish (specifically Galen O’Shay), and all that Patterson has to do is give the club immunity on all the gun charges. This time, as opposed to the deal he made with Stahl, Jax did it with the full support of the MC. “I’m the scumbag outlaw, and you’re the pilar of justice. And neither one of us like looking at ourself in the mirror,” Jax reasoned. Patterson took the bait, agreeing not only to immunity but to take another look at Tara’s case if Jax delivers O’Shay in the next ten days.

God Put Man on this Earth for Three Reasons: Eating, Fighting, and Tearing Up Tight, Wet P*ssy — And the episode’s moment of levity award goes to Clay Morrow, for his rousing, crowd-pleasing sermon on the virtues of vagina. “CAN I GET AN AMEN FOR P*SSY?” He ended the sermon, of course, by taking communion, only instead of a wafer, he ATE A GUARD’S NOSE OFF. … And just like that, Clay is awesome again.

The sermon was designed to get Clay put in the psych, where he was given the full-on Hannibal Lector treatment. The Irish paid off a doctor, to allow Clay a few minutes to make some calls and set up his gun-running gig with the IRA, then the guards paid off the doctor to give them some time alone to BEAT THE GALL BLADDER OUT OF CLAY. “Sermon’s over sh*thead.” I like a doctor who show allegiance only to bribes. You can always trust money. It never lies to you.

Still, it looks like the plan with the Irish is otherwise running smoothly.

You Made Me a Promise Son. Nobody Gets Hurt — I think it’s worth mentioning here that Kurt Sutter has done a bang-up job laying out this subplot all season long, and knocking down the dominoes one by one in this episode. First, Unser turns on Tara, asking Jax to give the situation another look. Then Gemma pulls in Nero’s support. Ally Lowen figures out the truth behind the medical forms, then Gemma pulls the truth out of Red. With Nero on Gemma’s side, Nero confronts Tara, who takes the news to an increasingly uncertain Jax, who turns on Nero, who — after a knock-down brawl — reveals that Gemma actually had a conjugal (against her will) during her “conjugal” with Clay, all for Jax’s benefit (secret number two). With that out in the open, Jax is more willing to listen to Gemma, and at least investigate Tara’s story a little closer, which takes him back to Ally Lowen, who confesses everything in one angry, magnetic scene (secret number three).