'Breaking Amish' Star Appears In 'Maxim,' Attributes Impressive Figure To Growing Own Food

There are many things that I love about this story, and the fact that an Amish woman is appearing on the cover of Maxim magazine is not even my favorite thing about it. Her name is Kate Stoltzfus, and she’s one of the stars of Breaking Amish, which I assume is like The Real Housewives of Orange County except instead of petty, bitchy fights about who put on the most elaborate birthday party for their 16-year-old daughter, I assume it’s petty, bitchy fights about who churns the best butter, or who can read with the least amount of candle light.

Anyhoo, I guess young Ms. Stoltzfus has discovered the joys of the modern world in her reality-show venture into New York City, and now she wants to be a model. Sure, whatever. Go for it, you! It’s the Amish dream! Here’s what she looks like in Maxim, and below that, what she looks like back on the farm.

What a difference a constrictive, unbreathable leather mini-skirt makes, right (not that it’s likely any less comfortable than the Amish attire)?

The thing I learned from the tantalizing, scintillating, SCANDALOUS article on US magazine is that Stoltzfus’ impressive physique isn’t unique in the Amish community to just her, as she tells Maxim.

Many Amish women, though traditionally covered from head-to-toe, do have impressive figures because “they work hard,” she explains.”They also eat healthy, since they grow their own food,” she says. “That’s one big thing I missed about home, being able to garden and take care of plants.”

See, there you go, ladies. The perfect get-in-shape physical fitness regime: Work hard. Grow your own food. And bear as many children as possible. Then you, too, can look like Kate Stoltzfus!

WARNING: Amish populations have higher incidences of particular genetic disorders, including dwarfism, and various metabolic disorders, as well as an unusual distribution of blood types. This is due, in part, to large incidences of inbreeding. The upside is, if you looked like Stoltzfus, at least you could have the pick of the best of your 12 brothers!