TV

Breaking Badass Power Rankings: ‘To’hajiilee’

Breaking Bad is one of the greatest shows of all-time, so while Cajun Boy recaps each episode, I’m here to give you a little something extra via the Breaking Badass Power Rankings, which rank the most badass characters from every episode. Why “Badass?” Obviously, the so-not-clever-that-it’s-clever name, but also because Breaking Bad is the kind of a show that makes you want to drink an entire bottle before watching it, to soothe your soon-to-be-tense nerves. That’s pretty badass.

Episode: “To’hajiilee”

Not Ranked: Skyler, Holly, Lydia, and Andrea

#11. Huell

Huell is smart enough to think of himself first, but not so wise as to get out of a situation without implicating himself. He knows that Walt is a calculating murderer, a guy who can off 10 inmates by simply making a phone call, so when he sees the photo of Jesse’s brains splattered on the kitchen floor, he quickly tells Hank and Gomie everything he knows, without a lawyer presence. Huell probably thinks he can make a deal with the DEA, a little “you rub my bald egg-shaped head, I’ll run your bald bowling ball-shaped” shenanigans. Or maybe it’s just a rare case of rushed plotting from the Breaking Bad writers. Either way, he’s in last place…by a LANDSLIDE. *diarrhea noise*

#10. Saul

The only thing brighter than Saul’s shirts is his smile after someone recognizes him. Also, as Danger noticed, look at the difference between Saul’s billboard hair and Saul’s now hair. Breaking Bad‘s true emotional journey is the one Saul takes gathering up enough courage to take a shower.

#9. Marie

If I’ve learned anything from The Simpsons (I’ve learned everything from The Simpsons), it’s that husband and wives should never discuss dead animals. Think about what happened to poor Ned and Maude Flanders: she goes to buy hot dogs, he requests that they not be foot-longs, and five minutes later, BOOM. She’s dead. We don’t know that Hank (and Gomez) will ironically turn into the same staged pile of blood and brains that’s resting in Marie’s garbage can. We only know that a gloating husband — WHO NEVER INFORMED THE DEA OF WHAT HE WAS DOING, SO IF HE DIES AND MARIE SPILLS EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS ABOUT HEISENBERG, SHE’LL HAVE NO REAL PROOF — telling his wife it “may be awhile before I get home” is never good news. Plus, the dead animal thing. But who will weep for the Gomie, he says as 30 Playboy babes attend his funeral?

#8-7. Brock and Walt Jr.

A one-act play, starring Brock Cantillo and Walter White Jr.

The end. Brock’s mother is a former junkie, his uncle is dead, he’s been poisoned, and the only male role model in his life has vanished — all he’s got is his Froot Loops, and he’s not letting any Whites get in his way.

#6-1. Walt, Hank, Jesse, Gomez, Todd, and Uncle Nazi and the Good-Time Gang

There will be blood. Not yet — Hank/Gomie and the Good-Time Gang are about as good with their guns are Stormtroopers are with their lasers — but it’s coming; it has to. The desert shootout was the moment every episode, every scene of the show has been barreling toward (note the acknowledgement of the pilot), and written another way, it could have worked as act two of the three-act finale. Instead, we’ve still got a trio of episodes to go, and I see the show going one of two ways: Hank dying and Walt refusing to cook for the Nazis, or…Hank dying and Walt refusing to cook for the Nazis. So, yeah, I can’t see a scenario where that doesn’t happen, with the guns Walt is stockpiling being used against Uncle Jack & Co. For what reason, though? In the flashbacks, we know that Walt tried to physically move on, with a different identity and different name, but he was unable to emotionally — what could possibly bring him back to Albuquerque, to his old house with his old hidden ricin capsule? I’m not sure (I’m tired of being wrong, so I’m totally not going to mention my “Nazis make Jesse cook, Walt comes back to retrieve Jesse for redemption’s sake, Jesse kills Walt” theory), but if I were Lydia, I’d make sure to brew my own cup of tea at home.

Also, cow house.

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