Annie or Britta? Winona or Ava? Margaery or Daenerys? These are the kinds of questions that have dogged Warming Glow readers for weeks, if not months, if not YEARS. This feuding, which is much more important than that President thing, must end. This post takes 10 of the most polarizing “who’s more attractive” debates on TV right now, and settles them once and for all. I’ve given my opinions for each choice and there’s a poll at the bottom of every page, too, so you all can vote on the question that has dogged mankind for LITERALLY hours: Jess or Cece.
Mad Men‘s Betty Draper (January Jones) vs. Megan Draper (Jessica Paré)
Pros for Betty: Knows her way around a gun; enjoys a good Bugle when she sees one; has an awesome daughter and two totally anonymous sons; isn’t above giving you a lock of her hair if you ask nicely; might slap you, if that’s your thing; looks a lot like that woman from American Wedding.
Pros for Megan: Great dancer; knows how to speak French, which just works, y’know; makes a mean plate of spaghetti; her mom is Julia Ormond, so you have that to look forward to; once said “tits can be funny”; isn’t above cleaning the house in her underwear; LOVES the Beatles; isn’t afraid to tell Don how it is; isn’t Betty.
The winner is: Megan Draper, and not just because of Fat Betty. It’s because of:
Game of Thrones‘ Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) vs. Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer)
Pros for Daenerys: DRAGONS; is respected by (some of) the Dothraki; enjoys the companionship of fellow attractive females; might one day rule the Seven Kingdoms; can walk in and out of fire, which is probably helpful for something; don’t care ’bout no warlocks; appreciates good grammar; isn’t a picky eater, so if all you have to munch on is a horse heart…; DRAGONS, again.
Pros for Margaery: Down with letting you sleep with another dude; loves grisly violence; part of the family that owns one of the largest regions of the Seven Kingdoms, the Reach; knows what “they” say about people from the REACH, and it’s totally accurate; can get you close enough to Joffrey that you can slap him; often looks like an ice cream cone; has the “best laugh ever.”
The winner: Sure, the constant shouting about dragons would eventually drive you insane, but the winner here is Daenerys. First off, she hates Joffrey, which is always a plus, but she’s also more of an actual person than Margaery, who too often throws her own happiness away for the sake of playing a part in an elaborate set-up. Dany, on the other hand, is a total badass who does what she wants, isn’t afraid to play dirty, and has a cool nickname. You gotta respect that. Also, and this can’t be stated enough: MOTHERF*CKING DRAGONS.
The League‘s Jenny MacArthur (Katie Aselton) vs. Shivakamini Somakandarkram (Janina Gavankar)
Pros for Jenny: Loves fantasy football; made it to the Shiva Bowl in only her second season; curses like a very attractive sailor; is married to Kevin, so you’ll have no problem winning her from him; enjoys a good streaking adventure from time to time.
Pros for Shivakamini: Is a doctor; has a trophy named after her; you’ll always have a good story to strangers when you show them Shiva’s high school photo versus what she looks like now; has a fun name to Shiva Blast; gets naked a lot on True Blood, which I realize is a completely different show, but still seems important to say.
The winner: Shivakamini. You’re immediately disqualified if you wear a Brian Urlacher jersey.
Doctor Who‘s Rose Tyler (Billie Pipper) vs. Amy Pond (Karen Gillan)
Pros for Rose: To quote some anonymous guy on Yahoo! Answers, the Internet’s go-to website for all things Doctor Who, “Rose Tyler had that kind of ditsy, slutty demeanor and appearance and came the closest to a love affair with the Doctor in the history of the show.”
Pros for Amy: To quote some anonymous guy on Yahoo! Answers, the Internet’s go-to website for all things Doctor Who, “Amy Pond, hands down, is the hottest companion ever. She doesn’t add much to the show as far as character, but it’s early yet. We’ll see.” Well, we have seen, and Amy Pond has become as solid a companion as any in the history of the show. She’s ballsy, funny, and loyal.
The winner: Put it this way: I recently revealed my “Celebrity List,” a.k.a. the three celebrities I’d most want to sleep with, to a group of (creepy, perverted) friends, and there was only one redhead on the list. I’m a simple man, and Amy, the Doctor’s fearless companion, looks like the kind of woman who will come stumbling to your hotel door in the wee hours of the night. Oh wait.
Happy Endings‘ Alex Kerkovich (Elisa Cuthbert) vs. Penny Hartz (Casey Wilson) vs. Jane Kerkovich (Eliza Coupe)
Pros for Alex: Knows how to put away meat like a champ, which isn’t a double entendre; buys penis cakes for her friends; gets off on crushing bones because she can destroy life; causes double takes when she’s dressed like Marilyn Monroe; is a Three’s Company roleplayer in her spare time; owns her own store; wonderful dancer.
Pros for Penny: Speaks Italian when she’s drunk; goes all-out for Halloween; Megan Mullally is her mom, so in my imagination, Nick Offerman is her father; will sport the Rachel for one episode next season; comes up with a-mah-zing catchphrases; makes for an oddly sexy hipster; to quote DanceGrooves, “Alex is cute and Jane is hot as hell, but Penny is the girl I could see myself settling down with. Thick girls with tremendous boobs with always have a place in my heart…..shaped bed”; wonderful dancer.
Pros for Jane: I can’t do it. I like Brad too much. They deserve to throw money in the air together for the rest of their lives.
The winner: Call me old fashioned, but I love me a woman slathered in barbecue sauce.
Archer‘s Lana Kane (Aisha Tyler) vs. Cheryl Tunt (Judy Greer)
Pros for Lana: Excellent at her job…killing people; interracial adult films connoisseur; you’d never not laugh at responding to her questions with “YUP,” even if the answer is “dear God no”; doesn’t make you feel weird for being attracted to a cartoon character because she closely resembles Aisha Tyler.
Pros for Cheryl: Owns an ocelot; likes IT disturbingly rough; comes from a wealthy family; hates “germ factories,” a.k.a. babies, as much as I do; you could take her to ALL the elegant dinner parties.
The winner: Pam.
Justified‘s Ava Crowder (Joelle Carter) vs. Winona Hawkins (Natalie Zea)
Pros for Ava: Looks like the kind of woman you imagined you’d end up with if you grew up in the middle of nowhere; tough as nails; includes “watched over prostitutes” on her resume; smart businesswoman; will keep you in line by shooting you if you dare even attempt to abuse her; gives the best “aw hell nah” face; KABONG.
Pros for Winona: I dunno, smells nice, probably? #teamava
The winner: Not only would I never choose Winona, who gets into too much trouble of her own doing and then asks Raylan to bail her out, I also wouldn’t EVER go against this:
New Girl‘s Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel) vs. Cece Meyers (Hannah Simone)
Pros for Jess: Owns the best outfits; writes Nancy Drew fan-fiction, which is probably a pro for someone out there; lives with three of the best roommates ever; loves An American Tail; good singer who mercifully doesn’t sing as much as she used to; True American pro; thinks the perfect man is Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men, so you won’t have much to live up to; hotter than her sister, Emily.
Pros for Cece: Um…
The winner: Jess is for boys; Cece is for men. The winner depends on how you see yourself. (The correct answer is Cece.)
True Blood‘s Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) vs. Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgård)
This entry comes courtesy of Almie Rose, who is awesome and someone you should follow on Twitter. She likes The Simpsons more than you.
Pros for Bill: reminiscent of Luke Perry’s Dylan McKay; believes that chivalry isn’t dead even though he is; “SOOKEH”; thinks “Fangtasia” is a funny pun…that’s adorable!; contributed to the hottest sex scene on the show, when he and Sookie had sex on her bedroom floor after defeating whatever evil fucking bullshit thing they dealt with that week; “southern” accent; will love you forever.
Pros for Eric: abs you could tap dance on; managed to avoid dying in a freak gasoline fight; is a real charmer when he isn’t being himself; always has a good comeback, even in the face of death; looks great without a shirt, and is courteous enough not to wear one unless absolutely necessary; I have to mention those abs again.
The winner: Once a great show, True Blood is now like that friend you had in middle school who was so full of promise but turned into a drug addicted dropout who trades handjobs for adderall. It’s that bad. I come back for Bill and Eric, but I stay for Bill. I just love an older man trying to suppress a British accent. He’s got that classic, “I could be an English professor at an Ivy League University and then f*ck you in the library after it closes because I have my own key because I flirt with the librarians” look. Maybe it helps that he and Anna Paquin are a real life couple because when I see them on screen together, I see just how tender and loving he really is. Also, the Luke Perry thing.
Community‘s Annie Edison (Alison Brie) vs. Britta Perry (Gillian Jacobs)
Pros for Annie: Penis sculptor; star of the greatest GIF ever; excellent rapper; even better dancer; paintball pro; smokes weed with Ron Swanson; likes to gasp.
Pros for Britta: I could list a lot of pros, some of which are below, but I’ll keep it to one for this section: she pronounces “bagel” as “baggle,” which is just the most adorable thing ever.
The winner: Gillian Jacobs. Look, I get it: Alison Brie means as much to Warming Glow as corgis (that’s more of a compliment than it sounds), but — and please forgive the blasphemy — Community sometimes plays her up baby-doll sexuality a little much. Ninety-nine percent of the time, that’s fine and dandy, but…it’s just that extra one percent. Besides, she’s often too pure. Britta, on the other hand, is not only the show’s strongest character, but also its most secretly sexual, and that under-the-radar kinkiness (think of her fondness for spanking — plus, her sarcasm would keep you challenged) puts her over the top.
Britta, for once, you are the best.