Cable Guy Masturbates in Woman’s Living Room

Oh boy, it’s time to play FLORIDA OR OHIO!!! The game where something awful happens, and it’s so creepy and terrible that it could only happen in Florida or Ohio. Today: cable installer shows up to woman’s apartment, begins masturbating.

The 24-year-old woman told sheriff’s deputies a Comcast cable installer came to her home on July 31 and exposed himself. Tuesday night, deputies said they tracked down and arrested 31-year-old Shane Wheatley for the crime.

The woman told deputies Wheatley showed up to install cable service and began touching himself through his shorts. Then, when she looked away, she says Wheatley exposed himself and began masturbating while smiling at her. [WTSP via thestir]

Personally, I would have guessed Ohio for this one, because it’s more of a “public masturbation” kind of state, and there are no alligators in this story. But the correct answer is actually Florida. Sarasota County, to be precise.

What the story leaves out is whether Wheatley ever installed the cable. Because if he did, it’s still a huge step up from Time Warner Cable. I’d rather have a masturbating Comcast guy fixing my cable than Time Warner’s bullsh*t no-show employees. Drop your pants and have it, just clean up afterwards and make sure I have HBO.