‘SNL’ Has Transformed Fidget Spinners Into A Cartier Accessory For Your High Maintenance Date

The time has come to inject some much needed additional extravagance into the fidget spinner fad. Cartier, anyone?

Last night’s SNL transformed the humble toy into a luxury accessory courtesy of the deliriously gaudy Cartier fidget spinner. The ad spoof places Vanessa Bayer on display as a supremely rude and obnoxious girlfriend. Her boyfriend Beck Bennett can’t stand her, but instead of dumping his bratty partner, he knows he can just keep her busy with a 14 karat gold diamond encrusted fidget spinner. Y’know, because “she, quote, has anxiety.”

“You’d give her the sun, the moon and the stars,” explains our narrator. “But for now, give her something to distract.”

Is this life trade-off worth the mind-blowing sex noted by the voiceover? Your mileage may vary, but Saturday Night Live really should have had these on standby to order during the show. Lorne Michaels could fund so many friggin’ Coneheads sequels with the profits would be berserk. Just flash the name of a website or a phone number for buying that shiny gadget and people would order ’em by the truckload.

It’s faux commercials like these that really drive home how much of a bummer it is that Vanessa Bayer is leaving the show. She was a master at bringing these weirdo characters to life. Come back soon, please.