Cheryl Cole Has Malaria

07.09.10 9 years ago 10 Comments

In literally the most important news story in the history of things happening, Cheryl Cole (judge on “Britain’s Got Talent” and really, really pretty person) has been hospitalized for days in London with malaria.  From The Daily Mail:

Cole travelled to Tanzania for a brief holiday last month, and while she is reported to have taken a full course of malaria tablets during her stay, some forms of the disease are resistant to drugs.

Mosquito bites suffered by the star seem to have led to infection.

Now you listen here, mosquitoes.  I understand this is your thing.  And I know biting people and feasting on blood is all the rage now thanks to the “Vampires in Entertainment” trend.  But you listen good – stay the eff away from pretty people.  You hear me?  It’s bad enough you mark their precious, flawless exterior with unseemly red bumps, but giving a goddess like Cheryl Cole malaria?  You’ve crossed the line.

So, I propose a compromise.  From now on, you lay off anyone above a 7.  I know I know, they’re so tempting.  But my plan still leaves you literally every single fan of Twilight.  They’re huge fans of bloodsucking.  Whoops, typo.  They’re huge AND are fans of bloodsucking.  It’s a match made in heaven.

That said, on behalf of Warming Glow, I’d like to wish Cheryl a speedy recovery.  Get well soon, hun.  Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.  You know, like give you a sponge bath or check for lumps in your breasts.  I live to serve.

In conclusion, I’d love to give her a case of My-lay-her-ia.  BOOM! *rimshot, cut to commercial break*

After the jump, one of Cheryl’s music videos from healthier times.

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