Here Is A News Report About Cows Who Sleep On Waterbeds

I’m not going to lie. When I first saw that there was a news report about cows sleeping on waterbeds, I was EXCITED. I had this fully formed image in my head of a cow in a silk bathrobe lounging on a waterbed, surrounded by lava lamps and shag carpeting, and making bedroom eyes at the camera. I wanted that to be a thing so very badly. I even worked out some of the beats for a weird Adult Swim show called Groovy Cows that was set in the late 1970s and featured animated bulls in open-collared leisure suits trying to pick up female cows in Manhattan discos with names like Body Moo-vin’ and such.

But then I watched the segment and it turns out that some dairy farmers actually just put huge water mattresses under the cows because they can help with milk production and are easy to clean.

The day starts at 5 a.m. at Sunnyview Farm. That’s when Kalvin Imhoff wakes his cows from a night of sweet slumber on their waterbeds.

“A cow needs to eat and sleep, drink water. And just keep doing that day in and day out. A cow likes consistency and waterbeds are consistent. Everyday the same. And waterbeds provide consistency that the milk cows love,” said Imhoff.

When the cows are more comfortable, they sleep better. When they sleep better, they produce more milk. [ABC57]

Whatever. This is stupid. I’m making that show. Dibs.