TV

‘Dexter’ Discussion: Oh God! The Agony. Make It Stop Please Make It Stop!

I mentioned on Twitter last night that watching Dexter after Breaking Bad is like having a post-coital cigarette laced with ricin and shame. After suffering through the episode, I think that I gave too much credit to Dexter. Despite the fact that it’d be an agonizing death resulting from complete organ shutdown, I think I’d still consider ricin a mercy killing, at least compared to suffering through two more episodes of this terrible, awful season. A lot of shows have fallen from great heights (Weeds, The Office) but nothing has fallen from great to wretched and unwatchable as much as Dexter has this season. It is laughable, at least when you’re not crying from the boredom.

Let’s break it down.

Think about this for a second. In eight seasons of Dexter, we’ve have serial killers played by Julia Stiles, Yvonne Strahovski, Colin Hanks/Edward James Olmos, Jimmy Smits, and John Lithgow. Who does the series cast as the final season Big Bad? Crazy Eyes Gosling. Quick! Without looking, can anyone name the actor who plays Oliver Saxon?

Of course you can’t. His name is Darri Ingolfsson. THAT’S NOT EVEN A REAL NAME. Before Dexter, his most prominent role was a recurring one on Last Resort. I watched that show. I have no recollection of this guy whatsoever. They probably approached someone like Donal Logue first, and when he read the script, he laughed in their faces and chose to do Copper instead. COPPER, people.

Poor Charlotte Rampling. In between every take, she probably turns to the director says, “Who the f**k is this guy?”

Anyway, Oliver Saxon/Daniel Vogel has some issues. He’s jealous of Dexter. These are his jealous eyes. FEAR THEM.

Dexter has come up with a BRILLIANT plan for escaping to Argentina. See, although Hannah’s face has been plastered all over the news, and she’d probably be instantly recognizable in an airport, if she traveled with Dexter and his son, NO ONE WOULD NOTICE. A family makes her INVISIBLE. It’s kind of like the plot of We’re the Millers, only it’s not an intentional comedy. “Oh, Dexter. Kiss me, you brilliant serial killer!”

How did Dexter manage to avoid capture for eight seasons with schemes like that.

Dexter and Hannah also had the same conversation I think three times last night. I’m paraphrasing here:

Hannah: “I really wish we could go to Argentina now.”

Dexter: “I know! I just have to kill Oliver Saxon first.”

Hannah: “Why?”

Dexter: *shrugs shoulders*

Anyway, Dr. Vogel doesn’t want Dexter to find Saxon because “I don’t want you to kill him.” She doesn’t want to be protected, either. She wants Dexter to go to Argentina. What’s stopping him now?

*shrugs shoulders*

Debra didn’t want Dexter to go to Argentina, either. But then she had a heart-to-heart with Quinn, and Quinn dropped this truth bomb on Debra:

“Sometimes, things don’t feel right. Changing it up is better for everyone involved.”

BOOM! MIND CHANGED. Thanks, Quinn!

Meanwhile, in Nikki and Masuka’s one scene, Masuka chided Nikki for smoking pot. “You have every right to tell me what to do at work, but you have no right to tell me what to do at home.” DAD BURN.

Could someone please explain to me the purpose behind these characters?

Dexter then gives his notice to Batista, because what better time is there to give notice than when you’re standing next to a dead bicyclist? Dead guy in the middle of the road? Must be time to give my two weeks!

Here’s crazy eyes Gosling again, in his kill room, asking his Mommy to fix him.

Meanwhile, how will Dexter dig up dirt on Saxon? Reverse spyware, of course. How very, very convenient. “I’ll just push this button right here, and voila! Here’s Saxon videotaping his murder of Zach Hamilton.”

Here’s what I don’t understand. The videotape is clearly from Saxon’s kill room. You can see the light above the chair.

Yet Zach managed to stick some of his blood and hair under the desk in his own apartment while he was being killed. Can anyone explain this?

The writers really just don’t give a sh*t at all, do they?

At least Quinn finally broke up with Jamie, who by the way, we discover has received a job offer in Atlanta, because she’s just now finishing up school, which she managed to attend while taking care of Harrison for 18 hours a day.

This is where Debra admits that she’s OK with Dexter leaving, although she’s scared. “You’ve always been there for me, Dexter.” Oh, except for that time you made me choose between killing you and killing my innocent boss. Maybe except for the ONE TIME. “Oh, hey! Remember that time that I tried to kill myself and bring you along with me by driving my car into the pond? Oh, and remember that other time, where I admitted to you that I wanted to f*ck you, even though you’re my brother? We’ve had some really good times, haven’t we Dexter?”

Now let’s tie up another loose end, i.e., fill some more time before the SURPRISING TWIST at the end of the episode by going through the motions and have Debra also quit her job.

Meanwhile, they should just rename the Emmy Awards to honor the kid who plays Harrison. The way that kid just kept repeating “Owww, Owww” for two minutes was AMAZING. TOUR DE FORCE.

In a show full of dumb people with dumb motivations who do the dumbest thing imaginable, who could’ve predicted that Hannah — who is a fugitive wanted for murder — could be SO dumb as to take Harrison to the hospital. Why? Were his injuries life threatening? Did he need emergency surgery? Would he have died if he weren’t taken to the hospital immediately? Did he even break his arm?

No. He cut his chin. Hannah put her and Dexter’s ass at risk because Harrison hurt his chin.

PUT A F***ING BAND-AID ON IT, LADY.

I can’t. I just COME ON. Jesus, this show. I can’t even. And of course, Deputy U.S. Marshall Max Clayton — who already suspects that Hannah is staying with Dexter — is going to find out. Because Hannah came in without a disguise, she put down Harrison’s real name, and she acted evasive when asked about her relationship to Harrison.

Then this happened. “I still have feelings for you, stupid.”

So, now the Deputy U.S. Marshall is onto Hannah. But Evelyn has arranged to have Dexter kill Saxon. Decisions, decisions? Put his entire plan to go to Argentina at risk? Or kill Saxon?

I guess it’s all moot now, because SURPRISE.

… and scene.

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