We get it: Being the assistant (to the) regional manager may not always be a glamorous job. It may not even be the job you wanted. And it could be that you, like Dwight K. Schrute (paper salesman and purveyor of energy drinks made only with the finest beet run-off), have dreams bigger than your desk can hold. But that shouldn’t ever stop you from being the absolute best you can be, and there’s no better role model when it comes to laying down the law (with a modicum of power) than the Schrutester himself. Let his quotes be your guide to making sure everyone, everywhere respects your authority!
“I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed 20 men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight.”
Some wars are fought on the battlefield, some wars are fought in doctors’ waiting rooms (RIP Dwight’s dad), and some battles are fought while trying your best not to let everyone in your office know exactly what you think of them 10 minutes after you’ve had just one too many at the holiday party. Don’t discount your small victories and take on every challenge as if it were life-defining. Brush your teeth like you’re going to war. That’s what Dwight K. Schrute would do. He’d also psych himself up for that battle while punching his fists to “Eye of the Tiger” in his car five minutes before it started. Tried it once. Looks insane, feels amazing. Never give up the fight!
“I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors.”
If you’re someone with very little power but a great deal of ambition (yo, ain’t no shame), never let anyone get the upper hand on you. Dwight is constantly spying on his co-workers, and while no one would ever suggest you do the same (even though you do, come on), this is a reminder that the best defense is a good offense. That means you should always be on your guard, always whip open doors, and never let other people see you sweat. If you see them sweat? Well, you’ve just laid down the law, my friend, and that’s what this is all about.
“Michael is like Mozart, and I’m like Butch Cassidy. You mess with Mozart and you’re gonna get a bullet in your head, courtesy of Butch Cassidy.”
Find an ally and protect them at all costs. They’ll pay you back when the time is right by making you regional manager and giving you all the riches that you’ve ever dreamed of (provided that your dream is to sell paper and run a beet farm that’s also a functioning bed & breakfast in your spare time).
“All you need is love. False. The four basic human necessities are air, water, food, and shelter.”
Truth. If you want to succeed, you’re going to need oxygen, a house, and sustenance (water always comes first). Love may keep you warm when you’re having a bad day, but it’s not going to do much if you’re on week three of a zombie apocalypse and have run out of food. Unless the person you love is willing to sacrifice themselves for you. Then that’s fine. Just make sure it’s them and not you. Love may be all they need, but you? You’re going to need a little bit more than that to survive.
Of all of Dwight’s quotes, this may be one of the most unintentionally inspiring. Having a bad day? Always remember that a bag of skittles is always worth more (nutritionally) than a warm hug and a kind word.
“Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.”
So many good points. So little time. Always tip the person doing your endoscopy, too. Trust me, they’ll take it.
“I never smile if I can help it…. Showing one’s teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.”
#Preach.
“Did you know that the human thumb is formed by 15 interchangeable joints? Wrong. Don’t believe everything that people on television tell you.”
How many of us would immediately like this “fact” on Facebook and then move on? Wake up, sheeple! If you want to lay down the law, you never trust anyone (not even yourself) before verifying that whatever you’re about to say is 100 percent true. Dwight wouldn’t do that. You know why? Because that’s what an idiot would do…and as the Schrute-Man always says: “Would an idiot do that? And if they would, I do not do that thing.” That’s how you get to be regional manager in the end.
“I did not become a Lackawanna County volunteer sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t.”
Listen, Dwight K. Schrute may be a hardass, but he’s not always wrong. This quote may seem kind of sad at first (everyone wants friends unless they’re on a reality show and didn’t “come here to make friends” right?), but it’s also an important reminder that the people you work with are not the people you spend your free time with. In fact, if you’re going to take over the world (which you will, keep the faith), you’re going to want to make sure that you know who to trust and who to topple the moment you come into power.
Cultivate a rich personal life outside of work. Or build an army of minions in your basement. Just make sure that “being the best friend you can be” doesn’t get in the way of being the “Determined, Worker, Intense, Good Worker, Hard Worker, Terrific” person Dwight knows you can be!
“R is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why it’s called murder and not muckduck.”
Put this on a poster and pin it behind your damn desk. Who needs “hang in there” kitties and “you’ve got this puppies” when you can consistently remind yourself (and others) that you would kill for everything you have. Maybe don’t put the murder quote up, though. Just like hang a giant R you can get at a craft store in your cubicle and let people draw their own conclusions. Trust that they’ll be intimidated.
“What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.”
Always plan ahead. Always. The more elaborate the idea, the better. Your perfect crime may never come to fruition–mine hasn’t yet, not that I’d tell you what it is–but it’s important that you have a picture (in your head, never put it on paper) of exactly how and what you’d get away with if you could. No one knows this better than Dwight K. Schrute and now no one knows that better than you.