The following are conversations that probably, almost definitely took place at one point or another in the writer’s room while writing the season two midseason finale of Empire.
“Okay, remember Camilla?”
“No.”
“You know, Hakeem’s cougar lover. Naomi Campbell.”
“Ahhh, Camilla.”
“Here’s what I’m thinking: She’s back.”
“But doesn’t Hakeem already have a girlfriend and another cougar who used to date his father and is now pregnant with his child and totally losing her mind?”
“That’s the thing. Now she’s married to Marisa Tomei’s hip-hop-loving lesbian billionaire character, Mimi Whiteman.”
“Wait. When did Mimi Whiteman have time to run off and marry Camilla without Lucious — who hates Camilla, and has been working with Mimi like every day on this Swiftstream deal — ever seeing her or finding out about it, even in casual conversation.”
“Not important.”
“And what happens once we find out they’re married?”
“They call a board vote and oust Lucious as CEO.”
“Why? I thought Mimi and Lucious were getting along.”
“Because Camilla is angry at him. Or maybe something with Mimi. But the key here is that Cookie gives Hakeem her proxy at the meeting and tells him to vote for Lucious, but he switches sides and votes to oust him!”
“Why in the world would Cookie give Hakeem her proxy instead of Andre only like two episodes after Hakeem more or less emancipated himself from his manipulative father by literally smashing his last name with a hammer after a battle rap?”
“Not important.”
“So, this about revenge, not him wanting to hump Camilla again?”
“No, this is definitely also about him wanting to hump Camilla again.”
“This is genius.”
***********
“Tell me about these awards nominations.”
“Okay, so Jamal gets a bunch of nominations, and Lucious gets one, and Hakeem is expecting to get nominated for rapper of the year…”
“Hasn’t Hakeem only put out like one leaked album and a battle rap?”
“Stick with me. So, his family gets their nominations and he’s waiting all day to hear…”
“All day? Aren’t the nominations announced all at once?”
“Oh God no. They’re announced one at a time throughout the entire day and it grinds the whole industry to a halt.”
“Seems impractical.”
“I SAID STICK WITH ME. So, they get to his category, and they announce the first three nominees, and the fourth is… Freda Gatz!”
“But she’s released even less than Hakeem. I think she has, what, one song? And she lost their battle rap.”
“But it will make Hakeem soooooooo mad.”
“Good point. Write it.”
**********
“Okay, so just hear me out here.”
“Shoot.”
“Jamal’s gay.”
“Obviously.”
“And it’s been a huge deal.”
“Right.”
“Like, his father’s reluctant acceptance of his homosexuality has been a driving force on the show.”
“Yup.”
“But what if he f*cks Alicia Keys?”
“What?!”
“BUT JUST ONCE!”
“Hmm. You know what?
“What?”
“I love it.”
**********
“Hey, we did a good job of making Anika a crazy person, right?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, we’ve established that she fully transformed from a confident, competent businesswoman who once ran A&R at a major record label into a total baby-crazy lunatic driven by jealousy and paranoia, right?”
“Oh, yeah. Definitely. We had the one thing where she wore a wig and pretended to be Hakeem’s girlfriend’s chauffeur so she could snoop on her.”
“Okay, good. I’m thinking we should have someone heave Rhonda down the huge ornate stairs of her fancy new house and imply — strongly — that Anika did it so Rhonda will lose her baby, thus making the secret Hakeem baby Anika is carrying the new heir of the label, thus bringing Anika back into a position of power in the family and at the label.”
“Hmm.”
“But we’ll do lots of foreshadowing, too. Like, there will be tons of shots of the stairs, and Rhonda walking up and down them, so the audience at home is like, ‘Wait a second. Hang on. Why’s that pregnant lady walking up and down those stairs so much? Is she gonna fall down them and lose that baby?” But she won’t fall. Because she’ll get pushed.”
“So, it’s like Chekhov’s Ornate Staircase?”
“Exactly.”
“Lemme ask you this: Is Rhonda okay? Like, does she die?”
“Hell if I know.”
“Fair enough. I’ll start drafting, you dictate.”
