Everyone On ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Is Having Sex, Allegedly

10.23.12 19 Comments

Here is a GIF of Dancing With the Stars judge Carrie Ann Inaba falling out of her chair last night. It is great. Look at her face. I love it. Now, on to a story about sex.

According to a Fox News report, the celebrity contestants and the professional dancers they’re paired up with bone (industry term), like, all the time.

“When you have two single people in a room and you are spending so much time together, it’s natural to have chemistry and to be curious,” longtime pro Cheryl Burke tells The Post.

“All of a sudden you think you are in love because you are grinding on each other seven days a week.”

Backstage love connections happen “a lot more than people know,” pro Maksim Chmerkovskiy confirms.

Hmmm. Interesting, but not altogether surprising, I suppose. People have been sleeping with their co-workers, secretaries, and tennis coaches forever. It’s a matter of proximity as much as anything else. It’s certainly not ideal when it happens while one or both of the parties in question are already involved in a committed relationship, but it’s nothing to be shocked and horrified over like some flustered, gossip-y housewife. Right, breathless anonymous Dancing With the Stars inside source?

“They all fool around with each other,” the insider says. “The problem is that many of these people are married. It is disgusting!”

“I mean, first they kiss and touch each other’s butts, which is gross because butts are where poop comes from, but then — AND YOU WON’T EVEN BELIEVE THIS — the man puts his thing into her… you know. Her… [whispers, points toward crotch]… vajayjay. Why would he do that?! It’ll get all wet and slimy! I’ll tell you, I don’t know how people do it without throwing up right there. Just… ew. Ew.”

The show has no official policy about workplace hookups, but producers are often faced with cleaning up the mess when a showmance fizzles out.

All-Star contestant Shawn Johnson had “a nasty breakup” with pro Mark Ballas after they won the mirrorball trophy in season eight, a source says. “That’s why they couldn’t be paired up again [for the All-Star shows].”

Both parties have denied the affair.

Said their representatives, “No matter what breathless anonymous sources say, no it ain’t that way. Ain’t nobody humpin’ around.”

Yes, this was all a ploy to post a 20-year-old Bobby Brown video. I regret nothing.

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