According to Vanity Fair‘s Nancy Jo Sales and millions of other humans around the globe, Tinder represents one of the greatest threats to our very humanity, allowing young, instant-gratification-obsessed singles to superficially scrutinize the appearance of and abolish a potential partner from their consciousness with the mere swipe of a sweaty finger. According to millions of bros who just want to #get #after #it, Tinder is the greatest invention of all-time, one that — much like birth control and the Shamwow — represents a miraculous shortcut to strings-free sex. According to Fox, Tinder represents a major potential cash cow. But like, not in a gross way; a hot one that looks good in Facebook photos.
Entertainment Weekly reports that “reality TV hitmaker” Mark Burnett is developing a new dating show for Fox based on online dating apps, specifically Tinder. Burnett’s the Emmy-winning producer behind The Voice and Survivor, which means he’s uniquely qualified to engender reality-TV relationships that will implode moments after the cameras stop rolling. His new, unnamed series will be set in the Caribbean Islands, where it’s too hot to go outside and meet real people, so everybody just sits in an ice bath all day, browsing Tinder and crying. According to EW, it will “take the instant ‘yes or no’ connection of modern digital romance to the next level.”
If you’re wondering, “Dear God, what next level is there? Haven’t we done enough? Can’t we just let it be?,” you’re wrong, and you will die alone. Here is the next level, according to Mark Burnett: The show will “mirror Tinder in that each couple is paired based on a very quick first impression, but the singles do meet IRL (that’s “in real life,” for you non-Caribbean folk).” The contestants will “match up, based on their instant chemistry, but the real soap opera will unfold when these budding couples discover whether or not they have the compatibility to make their relationships last.”
Wait, isn’t that just, like, the premise of every dating show? And come to think of it, isn’t that the premise of actual relationships? Isn’t online dating already mirroring actual dating? What is this nightmarish, marketing-speak hall of mirrors we’ve been tricked into entering? Somehow, while none of us were paying attention, Mark Burnett became the M.C. Escher of reality TV, turning romance itself into a mind-f•cking Penrose staircase.
“I am so happy to be making my first dating series with Fox,” Burnett told EW, likely with a maniacal grin. “It’s a genre that attracts a wide audience and our series gives a very fresh perspective that mirrors real life.”