Bro. BROS. BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS. Sup?
Can you bros and ladybros even believe it’s been a whole year since we last saw our favorite beer-crushing, slut-boning, sometimes-doing-the-right-thing-because-morals-are-important-as-long-as-they-include-hot-tubs-and-stuff law bros “Franklin & Bash” aka “Bro-ston Legal” aka “Columbros”? A lot has happened since then like for example first of all “Entourage” ended (R.I.P. [pours our Bud Light Lime-a-Rita]) which was sad because those dudes knew how to party especially Turtle because he was always all “Whatever I have a chinstrap and I’m gonna smoke weed and if you don’t like it you can talk to my boy Vince” and then Vince was like “LOL AT LIFE IN GENERAL BECAUSE THINGS ARE GREAT” which is classic Vince! Also since the end of last season I got put on academic probation because my Creative Writing professor is a TOTAL BITCH and gave me a D on my short story “Vice President Boners McGee Saves the Day” which is bullsh-t because IT WAS A COMMENTARY ON OUR TIME. AND IT HAD A PICTURE OF BECKY DAWSON FROM ΑΕΦ IN A BIKINI ON THE COVER. I’m talking to my boy Sanders about getting her fired. His dad’s on the board.
But anyway what’s important is that FRANKS & BOOSH ARE BACK and they had cases about a hot lady cop and beer and the episode started with Franklin getting stuck in a water chamber in court and oh yeah the bros are up for partner now after only one year because the legal profession is doing very well so everybody can just throw money around. LET’S DO THIS.
CASE #1: Hot Lady Cop
OK so this is a case about a hot lady cop who arrested one of Franklin and Bash’s bros because he was partying at the beach in a gladiator costume during the Kegman Triathlon which sounds great so we should do it because CHUGGING BEERS OUTSIDE IS EPIC and so is WEARING COSTUMES. The dudes go to talk to hot lady cop and Bash was all “You’re too hot to be a cop so he didn’t think you were a cop he just thought you were a slut in a cop costume no offense but, for real, A+ body, toots” and the hot lady cop was like “I had to tase him because he escaped my sexy arm bar submission and that is resisting arrest p.s. I am very serious so please stop hitting on me” which, I mean, come on bros. She totally wants it. So then Bash goes to some bar and is like “Yo I was serious you’re hot let’s drop this whole thing” and she is all “Stand up I am going to put you in my sexy submission” and she does and there is MAD SEXUAL TENSION which continues when they go to court even after Bash’s excellent strategy backfires and he has to admit she’s good at her job or something.
Then later they go to court again and Bash goes “Your sexy submission couldn’t have worked because he was slippery from suntan lotion and once someone helps me put some on I will show you” and then he looks at Franklin and Franklin’s like “I love you but no way, no homo” so Bash puts on the gladiator costume in court and sprays the lotion on himself and GUESS WHAT he slips out of the sexy submission so their bro goes free because it’s not a crime to fight cops if you think they’re just sluts in costume who can’t restrain you because you’re slippery. Trust me bros, I passed Criminal Justice so I know (C’S GET DEGREES). After the trial Bash walks up to the hot lady cop and is like “Seriously though we should bone” and she’s like “I am not going to bone you because I take my job very seriously and boning a defense attorney who just questioned you is not something a serious cop would do even if she is very hot” but then she’s all “PSYCH LET’S BONE” so I was right. She wanted it all along.
CASE #2: Serious Beersness
This is a serious case about beer and corporate law which is why I made that joke in the title because it’s like “Serious business” but it’s about beer so that’s why I said Serious Beersness which is MAJOR LOLS and also the name of my Uncle Chet’s yacht.
Anyway this part was confusing because I was like “GREAT THIS IS A CASE ABOUT BEER SO EVERYONE WILL GET HAMMERED AND LEARN LIFE LESSONS” but they never showed anyone getting hammered and it ended sad so I don’t think I liked it. There was one sick joke where they were like “Hey this beer tastes good” and this lady was all “Our yeast gives it great head” which is CLASSIC because “head” means beer foam but it also means BLOWIES SON, and there was also a part where rich business bro took them to a concert by helicopter and they woke up the next morning with makeup on and a bird in their house and Bash had an ice dancer’s phone number on his back which means he was TOTES CRUSHING OLYMPIC TAIL ON THE CLOCK HIGH FIVE.
So what happened here is that it was sad because the bros were representing the big business dude and had to screw the small business lady (screw like bad, not screw like bone) and old partner guy was like “This is what being a partner is about sometimes” and Franklin was all “Sh-t BLOWS, holmes” but they did it anyway because it was going to happen no matter what so they figured it would be better to have it come from them instead of Dick Lawyer. It’s like that time when Blink 182 said “I guess this is growing up” and oh so anyway big business guy was happy and wanted to take them to Vail but they were all “We don’t think we wanna work with you anymore” so business guy goes “How bout I drop the lawsuit against small business lady will you go to Vail with me then?” and the bros are all “Totes” so he’s like “DONE” so the POWER OF PARTYING PREVAILS AGAIN AS IT USUALLY DOES.
OTHER SH-T AND STUFF
– The bros end up making partner which is GREAT NEWS but it turns out they only made it because Fancy from “The Jamie Foxx Show” voted for them because the partnership agreement contains a morality clause and if they violate it they can be KICKED OUT OF THE FIRM so CONTROVERSY IS AFOOT which is weird because she kind of liked them last season but now she’s teaming up with Dick Lawyer to be dicks. Hey speaking of Dick Lawyer at one point he was like “I’m off to vote on your partnership and I’m going to vote no because I hate you” and Franklin and Bash were like “Vote with your heart, it’s under your nutsack” which is LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL because they said nutsack but it is not biologically accurate.
– Pindar and Sexy P.I. lady didn’t have much to do this week but now they’re hired full-time because Franklin and Bash are partners so they have health insurance and benefits so Pindar can get his weird-ass phobias treated even though it turns out they all stemmed from some chick he liked in college or something which is dumb since he could have just taken her to a toga party and fingered her in the bathroom like my bro Asian Drew did the one time.
– The AV Club gave this episode a D+. A D+?! I WILL GIVE YOUR F-CKING FACE A D+, AV CLUB. I TOOK A KRAV MAGA CLASS ONCE. DO NOT TEST ME.
– I guess you’re probably wondering so I’ll tell you. “Vice President Boners McGee” was about a vice president named Boners McGee whose wife Sandy was elected president because she is a very influential and powerful woman who graduated from Harvard and is a lawyer and a doctor and a CEO and also she has cans like BA-DOW. The country is in peril because supervillain Rufus T. Violence has acquired a bomb and is going to blow up all the Hooters in America so Boners McGee goes undercover as a line cook at the Hooters in Daytona Beach and long story short he saves the day and judges like five bikini contests in the process. I mailed it to some of my bros who go to USC and told them to give it to some Hollywood bigwigs because it would make a great movie starring C-Tates as Vice President Boners McGee and maybe Katy Perry as the president.