The Most Important Lesson From ‘Game Of Thrones’: Do Not Mess With Giants

There was, to put it mildly, a lot going on in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones. Most of it was overshadowed by Jon Snow snapping back to life in the final moments (which, yeah, understandable), but go back and run down the list. We had two leaders get assassinated by family members, we had dragons getting unchained, we had Arya getting whacked with a stick some more, we learned Hodor’s real name, we had Ramsay continuing to make Joffrey look like Butters from South Park, and more. Give Game of Thrones this: It does not short-change viewers on plot.

But even with all of those things happening, if there was one thing to be taken away from the episode, I think it would be this: Do not mess with giants.

You would think something like “do not mess with giants” would be obvious. Giants are, by definition, very big. You shouldn’t go around provoking people or things that are very big. It’s a lot like that saying “Don’t poke the bear,” but even more straightforward because 1) it includes all forms of irritation instead of just poking, and 2) you shouldn’t poke anything, really. Even little things. It’s weird. No one likes a poker.

Let’s start with this guy.

God bless you for your optimism, buddy, but let me ask you a question: What did you think was going to happen here? Like, what was your end game? You fired a tiny arrow into the torso of a 20-foot-tall wildling warrior. I mean, best case, the arrow hits him in the eye and partially blinds him long enough for you to run away and think of a better plan. (One such plan: Keep running.) But you just fired away and stood there with that dumb expression on your dumb face until the giant wiped it all over the wall and discarded you like a bone at a wing-eating contest.

But at least that guy died being brave. (Dumb, but brave.) This guy, on the other hand…

To recap his afternoon:

  • Bragged about flashing his junk at Cersei during her Walk of Atonement
  • Peed against a wall
  • Got his head smashed against the same wall by a giant
  • Died in a puddle of his own urine with his penis hanging out

Not a great day!

Although, to be fair, I suppose he didn’t really know he was messing with noted giant Ser Robert Strong. He was just running his mouth and the former Mountain overheard him besmirching the honor of the woman he has sworn to protect, which is more of an indirect provocation than firing an arrow at someone. I seriously doubt he would have said any of that to Ser Robert’s face, or to whatever face-like collection of skin and orifices Ser Robert has under that mask. His crime was less “messing with a giant” than it was “being a loud doofus in the streets without knowing if there was a murderous undead giant within earshot.”

So I guess there were two lessons from the episode, if we’re being technical about it.