It’s hard out there for a Stark. To recap five seasons of Game of Thrones misery in one paragraph: Ned’s dead; Cat’s dead; Robb’s dead; Sansa’s once again married to someone she doesn’t love or even like (plus, y’know); Arya’s on the run; Bran’s a cripple and MIA; and Rickon, he’s probably hanging out with Bobby Draper No. 2, or something. These are our heroes, dammit, and the happiest member of their family looks like he listens to The Cure.
Because I felt like depressing myself, apparently, I kept track of every horrible or traumatizing thing that’s happened to the Stark kids since “Winter Is Coming,” beginning with:
Jon gets his hair cut.
That’s the only bad thing that’s ever happened to Jon. So, from now on, I’m leaving him off this list. I’m sticking to the true Stark children: Robb, Sansa, Arya, Bran, and not Rickon. Never Rickon.
Sansa is betrothed to Prince Joffrey.
Bran is pushed out of a window.
Arya makes her direwolf Nymeria run away after she attacks Joffrey.
Sansa’s direwolf Lady is killed by Ned.
Arya’s “dancing” instructor is murdered.
Sansa begs for her father’s life.
It doesn’t work.
Sansa is forced to look at her dad’s head on a pike.
Arya leaves her home and changes her name to “Arry.”
Arya is taken prisoner and led to Harrenhal.
Sansa is humiliated and nearly beaten until Tyrion calls it off.
Bran is forced to “yield Winterfell to Price Theon.”
Sansa is nearly raped by King’s Landing street rats.
Bran and Rickon see Maester Luwin moments before his death.
Arya thinks the Hound has won his trial by combat against Dondarrion; he did, sort of.
Sansa weds Tyrion, despite being promised to Loras.
Sansa is threatened with rape by Joffrey.
Bran and Rickon say goodbye.
“The Red Wedding.” Everything about it.
Sansa watches a reenactment of her brother’s death.
Bran is kidnapped by Karl.
Sansa is nearly pushed out the Moon Door.
Bran is attacked by the undead.
Arya no longer has a name. Or a home, really.
Sansa marries Ramsay.
Sansa gets raped by Ramsay.