GIF Of Thrones Recap: ‘Kissed By Fire’

Robb Stark, you done f*cked up. This isn’t a new development (he’s as driven by his often-irrational emotions as Tywin Lanniser is ruthless), but the point was really driven home during last night’s excellent “Kissed by Fire.” The scruffiest Stark, who I’m just now realizing looks a bit like Samwell, has lost the north, according to Lord Rickard Karstark, who himself loses his head. What Karstark did was unforgivable — killing two helpless Lannister boys, even if they bore a small, yet striking resemblance to Joffrey — and he deserves the most ignoble of deaths, but killing him would lose his men and therefore, half of Robb’s army. Which is of course what Robb did.

This GIF of Thrones is done a little differently than previous recaps — rather than going through the episode in chronological order, I’ve instead ranked some of the main characters from “Kissed by Fire” by how smart, well informed, and reasoned their decisions are. Needless to say, Robb, again, you done f*cked up.

It’s never good when someone’s final words are placing a curse on your. Robb is Ned again: very noble, just as stubborn, and doomed. But no, I’m sure that Walder Frey thing is going to work. Slighted fathers love helping out their daughter’s almost-husbands. Remember Cat’s words: “Walder Frey is a dangerous man to cross.” (Via)

Gay of Thrones is BACK. Loras ranks low because he’s apparently a bottom. Gotta be the top, bro. (Via)

Oh, Cersei, never as smart as she thinks she is. (Where have I heard that before?) Mistake number one: trusting Littlefinger. Early in the episode, after telling him of her fears about the Tyrells, she pries a juicy piece gossip out of Petyr: Loras and Sansa are to be wed. Unbeknownst to her, this sets up a number of backdoor deals, and by episode’s end, she’s to be wed Loras, with Sansa promised to Tyrion. The moment her father informs her of his plan, and she realizes she’s to be an object in one of Tywin’s deals to a man who could never love her (literally), again, is heartbreaking. Oh yeah, mistake number two: that smirk towards to Tyrion. (Via)

Well, Stannis admits to his wife, Selyse, who’s locked in a tower, in the same room as a bunch of floating fetuses, that he slept with the Red Priestess, and she’s totally cool with it. So, yeah, everything seems ’bout right. (Via)

The Hound does what the Hound wants. In that regard, he’s not unlike the Brotherhood without Banners — except he doesn’t fight with a flaming sword (which was F*CK YEAH, by the way) and seems resigned to spending the rest of his days traveling the countryside, stopping at the occasional B&B for anything but flambé. (Via)

And that’s the last we’ll see of Gendry (probably), with him having joined the Brotherhood. You’re wise to stay on as a blacksmith, and I can’t say I’ll miss feeling intimidated by your physique on a weekly basis. Good riddance. (Via)

“I can go anywhere (except not, ’cause I’m in a bloody dungeon)/Friends to know (such as little girls suffering from greyscale)/And ways to grow (kind of like an onion)/Reading Rainbow (minus the rainbow).” So goes The Ballad of Ser Davos, who went full Jordan Catalano in “Kissed by Fire” and admitted that doesn’t know how to read. That SCUMBAG TRAITOR Davos probably ought to be lower on this list — he should have kept refusing lessons from Shireen, because I doubt that’s going to end well — but guys, he wants to LEARN. (Via)

Arya still believes that there’s order to the world: if someone does something bad, they’ll get their comeuppance. (Sansa sort of does, too, but in a more diplomatic, hands-off way; she’d be the one standing next to her regal husband, who’s giving the OFF WITH HIS HEAD orders from above…down to Executioner Arya below.) Or at least she did. Her Harrenhal of Laughs adventures with Hot Pie and Gendry have taught her an important lesson: the world is unfair and even the God(s) will set the monsters free. Truth. (Via)

For an immortal (“immortal”), Beric has a lot of human left in him. Plus, that eyepatch. Bonus points. (Via)

“Jaime, my name is Jaime.” One of the best scenes from the books was no less fantastic on screen. After a brief round of intense surgery with Game of Thrones‘ answer to Dr. Spaceman, Jaime joins Brienne in a bathtub to clean his bandaged body and his equally bruised conscience. In a brilliantly acted and filmed scene, we learn that the Kingslayer, excuse me, Jaime is more sympathetic than we were led to believe (he killed the Mad King to save thousands of innocent men, women, and children) and, quite possibly, Ned Stark less so (the “he judged me guilty the moment he set eyes on me” line has me believing that Ned based his opinions on bloodlines as much as anyone on the show — it’s a Hatfield and McCoy situation, and biases get in the way of facts). But the reason I’m putting Jaime this high is because he loves The Blue Album, too. Thanks for all you’ve shown us. (Via)

I mean, that’s just a good idea. The more you know, the more you poop. (Via)

Father of the Year. Pick your synonym for “brutal” (ferocious, gruff, hard, harsh, heartless…) and it’s an accurate description of Tywin, who sold off two of his three kids for the good of the kingdom. And he’s brilliant to do so. The man’s currently tugging at approximately 12,0428 strings, with an end goal of the Lannisters ruling the Seven Kingdoms, something that only he has the smarts to pull off. Joffrey’s too much of a twat; Cersei, well, see above; Tyrion’s smart, but were it not for his father’s forces, the Battle at Blackwater would have turned out differently; and Jaime needs a hand. Tywin might be cold as a father, but he’s on fire as a ruler. *puts sunglasses on* (Via)

Clearly, Jon Snow is the smartest of them all. (Via)

Giving this its own page, because me-OW, Jorah. (Via)