The Mustaches Of ‘Godless,’ Ranked

11.28.17 3 Comments

Netflix’s Godless is an interesting and visually stunning new Western. There is a lot to be said about a lot of it. But we are not doing that today. Today, we are talking about mustaches. Like any good Western, Godless is lousy with them, some better than others. Someone should rank them. And someone did. And that someone is me. Here to help.

8. Frank Griffin (Jeff Daniels)

See, the thing here is that we’re dealing with more than just a mustache. The mustache is part of a full beard, and not even a well-manicured one at that. It would be different if there was some trimming involved to reveal where one ends and the other begins. But no. This is just a mess of unkempt hair shooting out of Will McAvoy’s face almost willy-nilly. It makes it impossible to judge the mustache itself on its merits. It could be a very nice mustache. I honestly don’t know. This is like trying to judge a particular vodka by drinking it in a Long Island Iced Tea. I refuse to disrespect the process in this manner. Last place.

7. Elias Hobbs (Erik LaRay Harvey)

It’s not a good mustache and might have been ranked last if not for the thing where Erik LaRay Harvey has this very intense and intimidating stare that he does in every show/movie he’s in and I’m a little scared of it. I do not want to put him in last place and then run into him at, like, Chili’s someday and have him burn holes through me with his eyes because I disrespected the mustache his character sported on a Netflix Western that starred Jeff Daniels as an evil one-armed cowboy. Imagine explaining that to the other people at your table.

“Yo, why is Diamondback from Luke Cage staring at you like he wants to kill you?”

“I made fun of his mustache.”


“Uh, because I have principles.”

Yeah, no. Not worth it.

6. Whitey Winn (Thomas Brodie-Sangster)

I do not think we give enough people credit for effort. We spend so much time focusing on achievements and accomplishments (or a lack thereof) that we overlook people who honestly try their best, every day, often facing impossible odds, only to fall short. There’s something valiant about that. Inspirational, even. Give me the person who works his tail off for a B- over the lazy schlub who rolls out of bed and gets an A. That first person has character and dreams and the kind of backbone the second person will never have.

That’s why Whitey comes in ahead of Frank and Elias, even though his mustache is so sad that I actually had to zoom in to be sure it existed. Whitey will never have a Sam Elliott mustache. He knows that. But he’s not giving up. I admire that.

5. A.T. Grigg (Jeremy Bobb)

Should be docked points for the same beard-related calculus that dragged Frank Griffin into the cellar, but he’s so fancy and pompous that I have chosen to believe he sometimes waxes the corners of his mustache into little points, which is worth enough to offset the beard and land him in the middle of the pack.

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