The important thing to remember about the Golden Globes is that, when it comes to handing out awards for television, the Golden Globes is crazier than a sack of squirrels. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Award shows — if we want to get really, really real here — don’t matter, so we might as well have some fun with them. (Unless of course the Hollywood Foreign Press is planning to give me a Golden Globe, in which case I would like to thank them for the important and prestigious honor.) And the Globes provide a nice counterbalance to the Emmys, which has a habit of locking in on individual performers and attempting to bury them alive in winged gold statues. Sometimes I wonder how Julia-Louis Dreyfus even gets out of the house. I picture her floor covered in Emmys the way a college freshman’s dorm is covered with unwashed t-shirts.
The point is: Predicting winners for the Golden Globes is hard, because they could just as easily give an award to a new show you’ve barely heard of as they could one with a long and pristine track record. I mean, Mad Men just aired its final season this year and it didn’t even get nominated. There are no rules here. There is only chaos. Let’s begin.
Best Television Series – Drama
Empire
Game of Thrones
Mr. Robot
Narcos
Outlander
THE PICK: Mr. Robot. You might look at that list and say “The favorite has to be Game of Thrones, coming off its Emmy win,” but it’s important to note that Thrones is the only veteran show on this list. The trend here seems to be new and a little offbeat, and nothing was as off-beat as the first season of Mr. Robot. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the finale.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Rami Malek, Mr. Robot
Wagner Moura, Narcos
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
THE PICK: Bob Odenkirk. Odenkirk was so good in the first season of Better Call Saul that the show actually won over most of the cynical critics who declared a Breaking Bad spin-off a waste before they saw a single frame. I’m fine with giving him the award just for that. Making fuddy-duddies eat crow is an important factor in awards show calculations.
The dark horses here are probably Malek and Moura. Especially Moura. Narcos had a huge international audience, which could influence the Foreign Press voters. He also posed for this unintentionally hilarious promo picture for the show. So, that’s two things in his favor.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Drama
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder
Eva Green, Penny Dreadful
Taraji P. Henson, Empire
Robin Wright, House of Cards
THE PICK: Taraji P. Henson. Cookie Lyon was one of the most delightful characters on television last year, all fur coats and yelling and scheming. Give Henson the trophy.
Best Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Casual
Mozart in the Jungle
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Transparent
Veep
THE PICK: Silicon Valley. Transparent is an awards juggernaut, and it would be weird if Mozart in the Jungle went home empty-handed after the Globes shocked everyone by giving it multiple nominations, but Silicon Valley is probably the best pure comedy on television right now, and I want to live in a world where that gets recognized.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Aziz Ansari, Master of None
Gael García Bernal, Mozart in the Jungle
Rob Lowe, The Grinder
Patrick Stewart, Blunt Talk
Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
THE PICK: Rob Lowe. Number one, a few years ago it felt like award shows were going out of their way to honor nominees from new media. It feels like we’ve almost swung to the opposite side now, where honoring a network show is the bold and shocking move. Number two, Lowe checks off two boxes, as a big name on a brand new show. Number three, he is really funny on The Grinder.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy
Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Jamie Lee Curtis, Scream Queens
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Gina Rodriguez, Jane the Virgin
Lily Tomlin, Grace and Frankie
THE PICK: Amy Poehler. Parks and Recreation remained one of the funniest, warmest shows out there even as it wound down its run, and a big part of that success was the presence of Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope. It only seems fair that she take home the award in her last swing at such an iconic characwhaaaaaaaaaaat? She wasn’t even nominated? For the love of God, Golden Globes. So… um, I guess Gina Rodriguez again?
Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
American Crime
American Horror Story: Hotel
Fargo
Flesh and Bone
Wolf Hall
THE PICK: Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo. Fargo.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television
Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero
Patrick Wilson, Fargo
Idris Elba, Luther
David Oyelowo, Nightingale
Mark Rylance, Wolf Hall
THE PICK: Oscar Isaac. It’s hard to provide much more accurate analysis than the following:
- Show Me a Hero was good.
- Oscar Isaac was very good in it.
- Things David Simon makes should win more awards.
- I haven’t seen Nightingale or Wolf Hall so I don’t know how I could pick Oyelowo or Rylance to win in good conscience.
It’s settled. Isaac wins.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or a Motion Picture Made for Television
Kirsten Dunst, Fargo
Queen Latifah, Bessie
Felicity Huffman, American Crime
Sarah Hay, Flesh and Bone
Lady Gaga, American Horror Story: Hotel
THE PICK: Kirsten Dunst. Peggy Blomquist began season two of Fargo as an unhappy housewife with an alarming collection of magazines, and ended it as a fully actualized fugitive who had killed one person and stabbed two others and was as happy as a clam about it. That’s a journey. And Dunst nailed it.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife
Damian Lewis, Wolf Hall
Ben Mendelsohn, Bloodline
Tobias Menzies, Outlander
Christian Slater, Mr. Robot
THE PICK: Ben Mendelsohn. Has to be Mendelsohn, right? He was basically perfect as the sweaty troublemaker on Bloodline. The only way he loses is if the voters do something crazy. Which they might do. Re-read the intro paragraph for clarification. You know what? Now that I think about it, they are almost definitely going to do something crazy here. Ben Mendelsohn should be a lock. Ergo, Ben Mendelsohn is going to lose.
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Regina King, American Crime
Judith Light, Transparent
Maura Tierney, The Affair
THE PICK: Uzo Aduba. I like Aduba here unless the Hollywood Foreign Press decides to give Judith Light the award for her Transparent performance as a make-good for snubbing her last year, when she did this in TNT’s short-lived, updated version of Dallas. It’s time to right one of history’s greatest wrongs.
